Growing up, I was a huge rules follower. Even if my parents hadn't been very clear in their expectations of their children, it was somewhere in the coding of my DNA to be a people-pleasing, straight-laced Sally. I was, by every definition, a total goody two-shoes. Can I tell this impressively awkward story to illustrate my point? When I was 17, I posted a status on Facebook that was basically a narration of my life (because that's what you did in 2008), and the mother of a friend of mine commented on it and made some joke about her daughter being at my house. I almost commented back and blew it for everyone, but then it dawned on me: it wasn't a joke. Her mother did think she was at my house.
I called up my friend, at which point she confessed that not only was she and all of my friends at a party that they hadn't invited me to, but that every single one of them had lied to their parents and told them they were at my place. That's right – my goody-goody reputation was so untarnished in my high school that I became my friends' golden ticket to underage drinking and unsupervised time with boys, and nobody had even thought to tell me.
I know I should have been offended, but I wasn't really, in the long run. My friends knew I wouldn't have gone to that party anyway and spared me from the anxiety of watching their illegal shenanigans. In their own misguided way they were trying to protect me. And even though I'm much more relaxed now, when I look back I don't really have any retroactive FOMO or regrets about the way I lived my life. In fact, there are plenty advantages to being a former goody two-shoes:
It Is That Much More Satisfying To Cuss
Waiting until later in life to use profanity makes it somehow magical. I mean, I cuss like a sailor now, most likely from years of holding it inside of me, but damn, does it feel good.
You Have A Great Relationship With Your Parents
You don't have to be a goody-goody to get along well with your parents, but never having gone through much of a rebellious phase certainly helped. In fact, I was the polar opposite of rebellious – I begged my parents to chaperone school field trips. If anything, I'm surprised my parents weren't more embarrassed by me.
You Have A Clean Arrest Record!
In my first year of college there was a huge block party that I was too nervous to attend. Surprise! It turned into a riot. And while some of my fellow students have some pretty epic tales of getting tear-gassed and fleeing through side streets, I at least have the comfort of knowing I never have to explain to a future employer why I was arrested mostly naked outside someone's apartment building. That's not to say some of us don't go on to make mistakes in our adult lives, but there is a distinctly wonderful freedom to walking into your grown-up years free of that kind of legal baggage.
You Have Way Fewer Shameful Drinking Stories
I don't mean to brag, but well, okay, I do – I'm bragging. Either I have mad drinking skills or waiting until later in my collegiate years to drink made me one with the alcoholic universe, because to this day I have never vomited after consuming adult beverages. And Ted Mosby thought he was impressive for being "vomit free since '93." For the record, I know there are still a lot of years ahead of me in which I could potentially break this record, and that's fine. But for now, I stand firm that waiting until adulthood to drink gave me the common sense necessary to avoid the vast majority of drunken mishaps.
You Remember Everything That Happened In High School
For better or for worse.
You Know How To Rage At A Taylor Swift Concert
There's a reason that there isn't a traveling Goody Two-Shoes Conference coming to a city near you. Because it already exists, and it's called the Taylor Swift Red tour. And if you've ever seen 40,000 of us in a room together, you know that we get down.
You're Going To Be An Excellent Parent
Indisputably, you are, hands down, ready for whatever gross things children can bring, since you're the long-suffering resident babysitter, designated driver, and vomit patrol for all of your party-hardy pals.
You Take Good Kinds Of Risks
I feel like goody two-shoes are constantly getting ragged on in movies for being "afraid" to take risks, which couldn't be further from the truth. We take plenty of risks. We just make sure the risks that we take are productive and meaningful.
You Never Live In Mortal Fear Of "Throwback Thursday"
Nobody's ever going to post a #TBT of you that has the power to get you fired. In fact, most of your Throwback Thursday photos involve puffy sweaters and novelty socks you were way too proud of at the time. Which, of course, comes with its own set of embarrassments.
You Saved A Ton Of Money!
Go team! You never wasted money on drugs, alcohol, morning after pills, or gas from sneaking out in the car late at night. Now you can spend that money on something really important like cake.
You Know Who Your Friends Are
Seriously, shout out to all the friends who never made me feel bad about being a total Pollyanna as a kid and beyond. I was lucky to have you in my life. Especially when I loosened up considerably and could actually start having some real fun with you guys.
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