If there is anyone on this planet with enough hard-earned street cred to laud the many things that can be improved by butter, it's me. My family goes through tubs of Land O'Lakes so fast that we don't even bother to refrigerate them. In fact, the one time I didn't see a tub on the counter, I immediately concluded that my family must have fled the country and forgotten about me. My butter obsession is so widely known that the one time I posted a Facebook status saying "Out of butter. Please send help," not one, not two, but three upstanding citizens from work and rehearsal brought me sticks of butter from their fridges the next day. My love for it is so intense that I'm even following butter on Twitter.
And while occasionally people outside of the family have expressed alarm on my behalf, they have no real reason to worry: It turns out butter isn't as bad for us as we thought. And also, everything that was ever delicious on the planet is baked with butter. Butter balkers of the world, have you ever considered what our lives would be like without it? If the fact that it tastes delicious on just about everything doesn't sway you, then maybe this list of other things it improves will:
Your Cat's Hatred of Houseguests
Apparently, if you pat a little bit of butter on Fluffy's paws, he won't go around terrorizing all the strangers you bring into your home. Cats like the taste of butter so much that they'll spend the whole time licking it off themselves instead of scratching people. Fun fact: If you patted butter on my hands, I'd probably just sit there and lick it, too.
Okay, we're not a hundred percent solid on this, but a few months ago, a butter coffee trend started and a fearless Bustle writer tried it. She was entirely unswayed. But I just hazarded drinking coffee with it for the sake of research (and butter), and even though I'm not the biggest fan of coffee, it was decidedly not terrible! (It should be noted that I did not follow the recipe to a tee, because I am lazy, and also, what is MTC oil??) Anyway, it supposedly keeps you fuller and more satisfied until your next meal. I guess the verdict is still out on that for me.
There are some things in the world I'm not willing to compromise on, and eating pizza crusts without butter is one of them. My mom is actually the genius behind this one, so credit where credit is due.
Slip 'n Slides
I didn't say the safest things that could be improved by butter.
Your Hairy Legs
I'm your Venus, I'm your butter, your desire. If you run out of shaving cream, butter is a totally viable option and actually leaves your skin feeling smoother. Now don't ask me any more questions about how I know this or I'll have to burn down the Internet.
Your Hairy Head
Butter isn't just for getting rid of hair — it can improve its health, too! If you, like me, have a forest of dry split ends vaguely reminiscent of a broomstick on top of your head, you can rub a pat of butter into your hair, stick your hair under a shower cap, and either sit with it like that for a few hours or sleep with it overnight. And then you should probably shower. Unless you want to smell like a rotisserie all day.
Your Artistic Endeavors
Butter is a blank canvas for you to express all of the artistic whims you have held inside you for so long. It may sound ridiculous, but how will you know you're good at it until you try it?
Your Heart Health
Butter has endured a lot of hate for being high in saturated fat, but the saturated fat in grass-fed butter is actually good for your heart. It raises the good kind of cholesterol and has vitamins that decalcify your arteries. So basically if you eat enough grass-fed butter, you'll live forever. #SCIENCE
Your Lactose-Intolerant Friend's Mood
Life kind of blows for them sometimes. They can't have cheese or yogurt, which compromises about 90 percent of what I eat when I'm not eating butter. But the news isn't all bad: Lactose-intolerant folk can still eat moderate amounts of butter without health consequences, which gives them at least one reason to smile.
This might seem like an obvious one, but bear with me. Next time you grill yourself a cheese, try buttering both sides of both pieces of bread. You're welcome in advance.
I just got real in this post about butter. Studies show that eating foods high in omega-3s, the good kinds of fat, can prevent or improve symptoms of depression. And while grass-fed butter probably isn't going to solve all your problems, it's at least a good excuse to eat more.
Your Romantic Prospects
I cooked once. One of only three meals I know how to make is pierogies, and by pierogies I mean the store-bought freezer kind that my dad taught me how to fry with an unholy amount of butter in the pan. The one time I made it for a boy, not only was he deeply impressed, but we totally made out afterward. Thank you, butter. For everything you do.