A Grilled Cheese Is Always Better Than a Boyfriend

Guys can be pretty awesome to be with when you find the right one. Not that you need a boyfriend (or girlfriend, or whomever – I'm using "boyfriend" because that's what I have, but clearly feel free to mentally replace it with whatever fits your life. I'm always torn between inclusiveness and brevity, and am tragically flawed at achieving both.), but if you do decide to do the whole monogamous dating thing, that person might as well be worth your time, you know? Good boyfriends provide solid companionship: they laugh at your jokes, they surprise you with concert tickets, and they perpetually make you feel like the sexiest, smartest girl on the planet. Nay, the universe. Boyfriends often exhibit many merits, and that’s why we date them and like them and maybe even love them. But when you start comparing them to a grilled cheese sandwich, we already know who’s going to win.

The grilled cheese sandwich wins, obviously. Don’t get me wrong – Human boys are wonderful and I appreciate their existence very, very much. But the grilled cheese sandwich is simply the gift that keeps on giving. No stipulations. No exceptions. No ifs or buts, fights, or weird awkwardness. Sure, you have to put a little effort into your sandwich relationship — heating up the pan, buttering up the bread, making sure it doesn’t burn — but these are all very trivial, minute details. Mostly, you're just stuffing your face with gooey cheese and bread. In about seven minutes after coming home from a disgustingly terrible day at work or night out with vodka, you can have it all. For like three bucks, you can achieve nirvana and infinite happiness. Who needs a boyfriend when you can have that? Here are 11 more reasons why a grilled cheese trumps any and all boyfriends:

It’s unapologetically cheesy

Boyfriends can try so hard sometimes, it’s almost sad. On Valentine’s Day, they buy you Hallmark cards that feature bears coupled with puns and awful rhymes, roses that cost twice as much because Capitalism, and if they’re gutsy enough, they’ll hint that they wouldn’t mind if you slipped on some lingerie for later. And this is all somehow supposed to be romantic. Grilled cheese? It knows that all it can offer is butter, carbs, and pure, unadulterated, melted cheese. And it’s okay with this. It doesn’t pretend. It doesn’t try to prove anything. This is because grilled cheese is so consistently excellent, it has absolutely nothing to prove.

It has your back 24/7

Grilled cheese in the morning, grilled cheese after your best friend bailed on you for lunch, grilled cheese when you’re at home sick and have snot running down your face, grilled cheese for dinner when the thought of dicing up anything with sufficient nutritional value is torturous and grotesque, grilled cheese at 3AM when you’re too drunk to drive to Taco Bell, grilled cheese ALL THE TIME. There will never be an occasion when grilled cheese isn’t epically satisfying. Boyfriends just don't yield that kind of emotional or physical consistency.

The first bite into a grilled cheese is basically better than an orgasm

And I say “basically” because I’ve had some pretty killer orgasms, but it’s hard to deny the pure feelings of ecstasy and happiness that come from biting into a hot, crunchy, cheesy sandwich. And unlike the quest for an orgasm with a boyfriend, you pretty much know that first bite of the grilled cheese is going to deliver every single time.

It’s versatile

You can make a grilled cheese sandwich with essentially any bread. Pumpernickel, sourdough, potato, gluten-free, that really good olive bread from Trader Joe’s — I mean, the possibilities are endless. And that goes for cheese, too: You can go the traditional route and use Velveeta, or you can switch it up and pile on goat cheese with figs and garlic like you're some gastropub in human form. Boyfriends? There’s not much you can change about them. They are who they are and they expect you to love them as is.

Grilled cheese doesn’t ask anything of you

Boyfriends ask for blow jays. They ask if you possibly want to try out that position you know is going to murder your bladder. They ask if you want to watch some lame sports documentary (not that ladies can’t be into sports; I’m strictly speaking for myself here) with them. All a grilled cheese sandwich wants is for you to get lost in its cheesy, buttery goodness.

Drunk sex? More like drunk grilled cheese sandwich

Drunk sex is fine if you feel like waking up and not remembering where that huge bruise on your hip came from. A grilled cheese will allow you to have your way with it, yet it will NEVER have whiskey dick, or last for a relentless 40 minutes. Or pass out immediately and snore like some kind of animal in hibernation.

It never cares how desperate you are

Sometimes, if a boyfriend senses you are way more invested in your relationship than he is, he will shirk back instantaneously as though you are plagued with Commitment. This is obnoxious and unnecessary, but whatever. Guys can be obnoxious and unnecessary. A grilled cheese though? It knows how much you want it, and it relishes in this information. There is no shame in too much grilled cheese.

Or if you didn’t wash your hair for a couple few days

You never feel the need to shower before you indulge in a grilled cheese. You know it doesn’t judge or secretly wish you smelled like Herbal Essences.

Or if all you want to do is watch Netflix in your sweatpants

If a grilled cheese were human, it would do just the same. Boyfriends want to go out. They want to see movies and go bowling and hit up the bars, and while you’re totally on board with this like, 80 percent of the time, that remaining 20 percent lends itself to Gossip Girl, sweats, oily-hair-in-bun, and greasy food (aka Your Beloved).

Because all a grilled cheese really wants is to make you happy

A grilled cheese is a cheap, fun, delicious time. Can a boyfriend really provide such simple, satisfying entertainment all the time? This is questionable.

And it won’t get jealous if you invite a bowl of tomato soup, too

A grilled cheese is never envious of anyone or anything. It’s confident enough to know its many virtues are undeniably irresistible. Nothing Compares 2 U, grilled cheese.

Images: Patrick/Flickr; Giphy(6)