13 Things You’re Only Allowed to do When You’re Sick

Obviously, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. The world is your oyster and I am not here to stop you from fully embracing life to the maximum, challenging normative social expectations, and doing your thing (however weird or annoying said thing is). However, there are only a few times in your life where absolutely no one can dare judge you for your petty social crimes. When you’re giving birth, when you’ve been dumped, and when you’re sick (and obviously during a bunch of other very serious, trying times in your life, but that’s a given). When you’re sick, anything goes. You could set your neighbor’s house on fire, and all should be forgiven (I’m kidding, don’t set anyone’s house on fire, that’s not cool) because there is some serious snot running down your face, you have a fever, your muscles feel like sharp razors deeply nestled within your body, and you’ve adopted a new language and that language is coughing.

Basically, you can be as bratty and whiny as you want (within reason, I guess). You might still have to work (because not all of us have sick leave or a flexible job), school, or a kid to take care of, but you’re still allowed to be as unpleasant as you want. Because as a victim of bacteria,viruses,endless mucus, or undercooked food, it is your god-given right to complain and wallow. Because being sick sucks. Here are 13 things you can only get away with when you’re illin’:

Demand soup

I don’t think there is any scientific proof backing the legitimacy of chicken soup when you’re ill besides the testimony of all the Jewish moms on planet earth who declared it as their penicillin. But then again, we all know Jewish moms are right in every other aspect of our lives, so they must be on to something. When you’re sick, it’s okay to fiercely request soup as though you are King Joffrey.

Use your clothes and bedsheets as makeshift Kleenex

While this is absolutely gross, sometimes you just have no other option. When you’re out of Kleenex, you have two options:

  1. You can get up and go get some paper towels (which will essentially scratch your skin right off your nose).
  2. Continue lying in bed because even the thought of moving anywhere makes your bones hurt, so you just wipe your endlessly leaking nose on a pillow or your pajamas.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and no one is allowed to judge you. Unless you don’t do laundry immediately after getting better.

Not change out of your clothes for days

For your vagina’s sake, you might want to switch up the underwear every other day or so, but do we really care about other garments? If you’re taking several days off from work or school, you won’t be exposed to the general public anyway, so who cares if your sweatpants are a little stinky and your hoodie smells like B.O.? This is one of the very few times you can relish in your own filth without being looked down upon or considered for psychiatric evaluation. Live it up, my smelly, sick one.

Not answer any e-mails

When you’re sick, your body is allegedly trying to tell you something. It’s telling you to chill out and ignore everyone unless they are bringing you soup or pizza later on. If you have to work, fine. But no one should expect any detailed responses from you, because it’s not like your germy brain can handle it right now anyway.

Or texts

Likewise.

Or answer with, “Well I’m sick.”

If your boss is asking when you’ll have important work stuff done, you just say you’re sick. No one wants germs in the office. When your boyfriend wants to have sex with you, you don’t even have to say anything, because a death glare is enough.

Brag about how much weight you're losing

Sure, you're just losing water weight, and you'll probably gain it all back next week, but at the moment it's pretty impressive.

Online shop until you’ve realized you’ve spent half your paycheck on Madewell.

You can blame your fever. It hijacked your self-control, discipline, and compelled you to purchase some new pullovers and blazers. You were basically in a fugue.

Take sick selfies that are weirdly cute

A no-make up selfie can be jolting, for lack of a better word. A sick selfie, on the other hand, is usually adorable. Everyone loves a red nose and bed-head hair, and even if you look slightly haggard, everyone is too busy feeling sorry for you to notice.

Watch five hours of Keeping up with the Kardashians

Normally, this activity should be grounds for treason of one’s own dignity, but when you don’t feel good, your dignity doesn’t care what anyone thinks. It just wants mindless, white noise, and it wants it for many hours. Or at least until the NyQuil kicks in.

Obsessively research herbal remedies

And then post your homemade witch potions on Instagram, Pinterest, or your blog. Go through a Western medicine boycotting phase, consider (briefly) not vaccinating your future babies, rethink the way you have you been eating so that you can achieve chakra balance. But then abandon your earthy crunchy health care regimen when you discover the sublimity of Tylenol Codeine and Velveeta.

Call your mom and emit whiny, crying noises

Getting sick in college is a harsh awakening to Real Life, and it prepares you for an adulthood sans parents taking care of you when you are unable to take care of yourself. You must learn to take care of yourself even when you don’t feel like it. I want to say it gets better, but it doesn’t. You still have to drive yourself to the pharmacy and you also have to make sure you eat (even if it just means ordering from Seamless). If you just can’t take the loneliness and treachery of being sick by yourself, your mom or dad will probably be down to listen to you sob about it, because that’s what parents are for, right?

Get really pissed off at your best friend when she doesn’t just KNOW to bring you ice cream and Swedish Fish

It’s okay to feel like the world should revolve around you for a few days, because honestly it really should.

Images: Aikawa Ke/Flickr; Giphy(7)