I feel like we’ve been slowly entering an age of infinite grief. I say that because over half the statuses and tweets I read are subdued expressions of sadness, frustration, or disappointment. Today I learned someone’s baby daddy bailed on her and is now living with a new girlfriend and her baby. A work friend on Twitter is upset about Trader Joe’s unsliced bagels (I am with you on this, boo. What even is that?) And today I jokingly whined about all my candy melting because it’s been scandalously hot where I live. When given an outlet, we become the complainers we never knew we could be.
Obviously, there are some things we really have no reason to complain about. If you’re vocalizing your frustration with a barista who is taking longer than two minutes to make your latte, or you’re sick of relaxing and having fun on your vacation in the Caribbean, I’m going to eye-roll you so hard. But with that said, complaining can also bring us closer together and make us feel less alone. Complaining is basically a form of bonding — but based on negativity and angst. If you are especially vocal about your issues, don’t worry – I have your back. Here are some of the many instances where complaining is totally warranted.
1. When your coffeemaker breaks
WOE IS YOU. But seriously. It is. Woe and you are literally one tragic entity in this moment. Especially when you have invested good money for a machine that is supposed to reliably produce liquid you absolutely need to function as a human being.
2. When your cramps are so awful you want to die
Periods suck. I know that they’re beautiful and natural or whatever, but let’s be real. No one actually likes bleeding from their vagina for five days. Besides letting you know that you’re not with child (which, to be fair, is not an insignificant relief), periods are utterly useless, gross, and painful. When you’re not worried about your tampon leaking or getting TSS, you’re curled up in the fetal position clutching a bottle of Midol. Someone I know perfectly described cramps as “constantly feeling like you need to poop.” But you don’t poop. Instead, you find a YouTube yoga video and pray that if you move around enough while simultaneously eating handfuls of M&Ms, you won’t have to keep cussing out your uterus.
3. When your flight gets cancelled and you’re stuck at the Airport for eternity
If hell exists, it definitely resembles an airport in most respects. Airports are filled with expensive Burger Kings, the only bars you'll never have fun in, uncomfortable chairs, and a bunch of pissed off, anxious people. And you are generally one of them. You are very much entitled to bitching about being there.
4. If it’s October and still 95 degrees out
This one is dedicated for all my Southern California babes. It’s been brutal out. But pretty much anyone is allowed to complain about dramatically inappropriate weather during any season.
5. If your car malfunctions
If anything at all happens to your car, even if it’s just a dent the size of an ant, you immediately understand that you might as well take out 600 dollars from your savings account and tell your hard-earned money that it’s been real, but now you have to pay for annoying, minuscule damage.
6. When your face is filled with so much snot you can’t breathe
I get it. We all get sick. It’s nothing to cry about. Except WHEN IT IS. It’s terrible when you can’t even fall asleep because one nostril is suddenly flooded with mucus, your sinuses are so epically fucked that you constantly feel like you’re underwater, and you can’t even enjoy eating because your sense of smell has been vanquished.
This new, adult-body thing that is suddenly starting to happen is very worrisome. Eating pad thai with an emergency bottle of Tums with you signals the end of a beautiful era when your digestive system was more forgiving of you and your spicy meals and straight shots of vodka. Any other adult-bodied person will readily sympathize if you feel it necessary to vocally lament your aged lack of digestive fortitude.
8. Incessant spam e-mails
They are a plague upon all of our houses.
9. If someone breaks up with you
It majorly blows when a person essentially lets you know they don’t want to be around you anymore. You feel uncool and unpretty and unwanted, and that moment he/she delivered the news of their detachment from you has been playing in your head, over and over. It’s always okay to talk about it, because breakups really hurt.
10. When your toilet breaks
You don’t really think about your appliances breaking until they actually break and ruin your life. Toilet water, by the way, is the one kind of water you really don’t want seeping onto your bathroom floor.
11. If you’re a grown-up and still have acne
I’m not sure where we got this idea that acne magically fades away with age, because it actually doesn’t, and you will be investing in Neutragena for the rest of your life.
12. Going to the dentist
Not to stereotype all dental work, but let’s be real: It all sucks. Whether you’re getting your teeth cleaned or a root canal, the very last place you want to be is in the dentist's chair. Because getting chastised about your flossing techniques or feeling a tooth get drilled is just not cool.
The fact that we are even subjected to misogynistic ideology is ridiculous and intolerable, but sometimes, humans can be ignorant and insecure. And I have no problem calling these behavioral defects out.
I feel like MORE people should complain about this problem, because constipation warrants a very much needed support group. Not being able to poop is awful. You can actually feel your body becoming uncomfortable and confused as to what is going on. And I KNOW you guys feel me on this too, because I’ve googled “What to do when constipated,” and see that you’ve searched it, too. I SEE YOU. Stop acting like poop isn't a part of our lives.
Because packing every single item in your house into boxes is traumatizing, and I feel like we need an app for this. Ugh, why do I have to think of everything myself?
16. When your pet is being an asshole
Your pet is supposed to be your loyal darling and forever furry friend! And when it betrays you by acting standoffish, puking on the carpet, pooping outside of the litter box, not playing with their new toys, chewing on notebooks and shoes, or defiantly biting you (I’m look at you, cats), the hurt you feel is immeasurable. Just kidding, I'm not hurt. I’m just pissed I have to clean up cat vomit.
I get that overpopulation is the issue at hand and technically I am a part of that issue, but can we just collectively sigh for all those times we’ve been trapped inside our vehicle for several hours with nothing but an old Destiny’s Child CD to keep us company? I love Destiny’s Child. But I love freedom more.
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