Let’s be real: Mac ‘n cheese is better than mostly everything and anything, ever. How could anything possibly compete with a bowl of hot noodles drenched in cheese sauce? This feat is impossible. Laughable, even. In a battle between human versus macaroni and cheese, mac will always win. Every single time. Because mac ‘n cheese is dependable. You have innate faith that a box of Kraft or Velveeta, or a homemade dish of mac will be tremendously consoling, a remedy for all things potentially ruining your life. Mac ‘n cheese wants the best for you and loves you unconditionally. People? Not so much.
Well, okay, I'm not trying to necessarily hate on people. We are complex entities. People expect things from you; they can be shifty, unpredictable, or mean; they can be annoying; they might have shrill voices you can’t stand, or opinions that are gross and vexatious. They might not get your jokes, or they might stand you up on a dinner date. People, in short, are not perfect. This imperfection, I should add, is made infinitely more bearable by the fact that we do have at least one utterly perfect thing to depend on in this wasted world: mac ‘n cheese. Mac ‘n cheese fills the void that humans carelessly leave behind. With melted cheese. And with butter and milk and bread crumbs. No, you are not anti-social. You are not hateful. You are just real and honest with yourself. We can all admit macaroni and cheese victoriously trumps humanity, because of these eight essential reasons.
1. It’s warm and it understands
Why would you want a hug when you could just heat yourself a cup of Easy Mac? Life is hard, and instead of hashing it out with someone who doesn’t care as much as they should, you can just have a heart-to-heart with your noodles.
2. Mac ‘n cheese will never disappoint you
Even the worst bowl of mac ‘n cheese is almost always delicious. You cannot really go wrong with man ‘n cheese because the ingredients are so stupid-simple. Sure, reheated mac is slightly less sublime and the texture is almost disturbing, but considering that cheese has gone through hell and back, you really can’t complain.
3. It will be there for you always
As long as you have some elbow noodles, a block of cheese, butter, and cream readily available in your kitchen, you are golden. Humans, on the other hand, have lives. They will not put you first. They might receive a text from you and they will employ their god-given right to ignore it. If mac ‘n cheese could text, it would send you cheese emojis all day long just so that you know how loved you really are.
4. It always suggests the perfect advice: there is no such thing as too much cheese
People can be so anti-cheese sometimes. “It’s bad for you!” or “It’s fattening!” or even the blasphemous “Humans don’t need cheese!” are all profanities people choose to frequently utter. We, the reasonable pro-cheesers of the world, want none of this. Cheese is a spiritual experience. Mac ‘n cheese understands this and helps you incorporate as much cheese into your existence as humanly possible.
5. It makes gross things seem delicious
While our parents have always forced vegetables upon us, mac ‘n cheese doesn’t take such an aggressive route. Layer a few broccoli florets in, add a cup of peas and carrots —you’ll barely notice the difference. Macaroni and cheese understands you need other nutrients from time to time. It's not a monster.
6. Mac ‘n cheese will never judge
While your friends or significant others might thing it’s pathetic you have decided to stay home in your sweatpants on a Saturday to eat gooey comfort food and watch Mad Men on your laptop, you know the truth. And your mac ‘n cheese knows the truth. You don’t need poisonous individuals in your life who are judgmental. Replace them with cheesy entities who support your life decisions.
7. It will never make you feel impatient
People take forever to call you back. Or ask you out on dates. Or respond to Facebook messages. Mac ‘n cheese can be ready for you in less than four minutes.
8. It will “get” you
Not many people “get” you. Like, maybe your best friend who shows up at your apartment at 1AM with a box of birthday cake Oreos and wine because she knows you’re going through a crappy break-up “gets” you. Or your significant other who has seen you shit yourself in the middle of nowhere because there were no bathrooms maybe “gets” you. But other than those exceptions, it’s hard to find someone who totally feels you on an emotional, spiritual level like macaroni and cheese does.
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