For all those who couldn't wait until Thursday night, MTV has already made the first episode of Slednecks available on their website, and let me tell you, it doesn't look like we're about to find the next Snookie... probably not even the next Cameran from The Real World Season 14. Slednecks is very similar to last year's Buckwild: a self-described small-town "redneck" group of friends, but these rednecks have sleds because, y'know, the slednecks live in Wasilla, Alaska. But despite an interesting concept and subculture I know very little about, either the premiere chooses to focus on all the wrong people, or these characters are somehow even less charming (except for you, Jackie; we'll get to you, Jackie) than Buckwild's. Not to mention, there is a certain amount of buckwild-ness you simply can't achieve when every inch of your surroundings are covered in ice and snow.
There is some reason to check Slednecks out though, if only for the scenery, and a few of these characters: There's nothing like an MTV show about the backwoods of Alaska to remind you that certain personality types are universal, like the girl who just can't let the idiot guy go, or the guy who's down to drink caribou blood for a little attention. You know the type...
Jackie seems sweet, intelligent, gorgeous, and independent; I’d like to watch an entire show about Jackie, the Inupiat Eskimo tomboy who moved to Wasilla from her village in Kotzebue. If Slednecks was told through the eyes of Jackie, and how she came to encounter the hooligans she’s rolling with now, how she gets them to eat whale blubber and, uh, her experience working in the ZINC MINES, then we might have a unique viewing experience on our hands. As it is, we also have to watch the storylines of people like…
You went to high school with Kelly. You’ve met Kelly 1,000 times, and every time, you’ve done your best to stay as far away from him as possible. Kelly just can’t get his act together; he endears himself to you by always being down to have a good time, and then he reminds you that his version of having a good time is drinking a suitcase of beers and telling girls to take their clothes off while standing four feet away from his girlfriend.
And Sierra is the girl who says, “Kelly and I are over!!!” every time she takes a sip of Coors Lite, but just can’t seem to stick to it the next morning. That means, despite her signature sass, Sierra’s entire storyline will be wrapped up in Kelly and how much he sucks. Get your own storyline, Sierra, soar like an eagle!!!
Amber is from the unseen Season 7 of Jersey Shore: The New Class.
Just kidding, she just hails from Anchorage, which makes her the big city girl in Wasilla. MTV describes her as, ”not your typical Alaskan girl, she is bubbly, loud, and feminine,” which I’m sure all the quiet, boring, masculine girls of Alaska are scratching their heads at; but they also describe her as the peacemaker of the group which immediately makes her my third favorite, following Jackie and…
At 6’5 and 300 lbs, Big Mike describes himself as “one of the girls.” He’s sweet and amiable, and if you ask him to, he will take a shot of caribou blood. He’ll probably spend most of the season with the girls of the cast trying to help him get a date, and secretly wondering why they won’t just date him.
Hali is the straight-shooting voice of reason, and you know this because she has lip rings and a monotone voice that she rolls out in confessionals to question what the hell any of her friends are thinking. That might make you think you can trust her, but then she reveals that she has a crush on Zeke.
Until proven otherwise, Zeke is a dummy. Look at that official MTV cast picture…everyone else has the beautiful Alaskan wilderness behind them, and Zeke looks as though he couldn’t be miffed to leave his living room (“You already made me put my PlayStation controller down!”), even though he’s a self-described “adrenaline junkie.” When Zeke decides to ask Hali out in the premiere episode, he gets completely trashed, takes her onto the freezing deck and hits her with this fail-proof line: “Completely straight up, I’m a f—king whore.” That scene alone is worth watching the first episode, and make sure you have a beverage nearby to drink every time Zeke says “per se.”
Tosca has a lot going on: She’s a tomboy fashionista who’s studying to be a mortician. She also wears statement lipstick, and is an ace skeet-shooter, so keep an eye on this one.
Dylan goes by the moniker of “El Tornado,” and beneath his go-go dancer persona and pouty mug, he’s just a guy trying to support his mom and younger siblings. You do you, El Tornado.
Samantha is the Baby Spice of Wasilla who “loves attention,” which sounds like it should go over well with all the other rough and tumble Alaskan girls. Hopefully she also knows how to, like, skin an elk and wake board on a mountain, or whatever it is they’re doing out there.
Trevor calls himself a “Fungineer.” If you’re going to give yourself a nickname, it better be damn good, and congratulations, Trevor, you have succeeded. Trevor is just a fun loving guy who likes to build things, and then ride those things, and make his friends ride those things. He’s best pals with Kelly, which makes me not trust him, but he also seems like he could be the heart this show needs. Just look at that ‘stache.