Ugh, Betty White Does Another Groundbreaking Thing

Do you think Betty White gets sick of her own name and general existence? She must, right? She must just get exhausted by all the accolades and praise. All the ground-breaking, record-setting, history-making, and now Guinness Book of World Record-holding shit she tends to mark her days with. What a life, eh? Of course we — meaning the general public — have never felt that way: she's 91-years-old fer chrissakes! We're just glad she wakes up and has days to continue to make us laugh and smile at all. (Hey man: reality is real. Don't shoot the messenger.) Until now.

Because today Betty White managed to secure herself a place in the aforementioned Guinness Book of World Records for being the lady with the "Longest TV Career for an Entertainer." That's 74 years — and counting! — in the industry for those keeping score at home. And well, we've just had it!*

Thanks to being voted the most popular and trusted celebrity in America (according to Reuters and Ipsos), White can get away with anything. She just can't be satisfied with her honorary forest ranger title from the USDA Forest Service. Or her honorary degree from Washington State University. Or her inductions into the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences Hall of Fame, the Television Hall of Fame, and the California Hall of Fame. Or her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Or her Grammy award, six Emmy Awards, three American Comedy Awards, two Viewers for Quality Television Awards, her Pacific Pioneer Broadcasters Golden Ike Award, her Genii Award from the American Women in Radio and Television, her Funniest Female and Lifetime Achievements from the American Comedy Awards, her Career Achievement Award from the Television Critics Association, her Humane Award from The American Veterinary Medical Association, her SAG Life Achievement Award, her honorary Disney Legend award, the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year Award, being the oldest person to ever host Saturday Night Live, having her likeness shot into outer-space for the aliens, or the the bronze plaque near the Gorilla Exhibit that the Los Angeles Zoo gave her as an "Ambassador to the Animals." Betty White, you're being a real Veruca Salt right about now.

So I think it's safe to say that you need to be knocked down a few pegs. You just think your shit don't stink and that there's nothing you can't do, don'tcha? Well to that I say, HA! Because you're not invincible, Betty. There's PLENTY you haven't done. In fact, I've compiled a list of all the awards Betty White hasn't won because I think she needs to realize her place in the world, and that she's not as great as she thinks she is, because we all know an award not won is an award lost. And that means failure. So, look, Betty: look at how you've failed! You've never won any of these:

  • Academy Award
  • Webby Award
  • The Golden Raspberry Award
  • Clio Award (for advertising)
  • Merlin Award (for magic)
  • Nobel Peace Prize
  • National Book Award
  • Miss America
  • Miss USA
  • National Dance Award
  • Food Photographer of the Year Award
  • BET Award
  • The Heisman Trophy
  • Associated Press College Football Player of the Year Award
  • An Olympic Gold Medal
  • Any kind of Olympic Medal, for that matter
  • Wimbledon
  • FIFA World Cup
  • International Cricket Council Award
  • The Stanley Cup
  • A MacArthur Fellowship
  • Vision for Europe Award
  • The Kluge Prize
  • The Bungeishunjū Manga Award
  • The Pulitzer Prize
  • A Purple Heart
  • Rookie of the Year

Your move, White.

* And by "had it" we mean exactly the opposite because obviously Betty White is a queen and a hero and an icon for us all and we'd be more than thrilled to write about her continued domination of the known comedy universe because it makes it better for all us ladies just trying to be funny for a living.

[Photo Credit: Matthias Clamer]