Every single person on this planet has one thing in common: We are all absolutely and totally disgusting. You can put on airs and pretend like you're the embodiment of style and cleanliness, walking the earth devoid of a body which emits any gases, but this is not the case. I, for one, fully embrace my grossness. If I toot, I own it. If I'm called out for wearing the same thing two days (okay, four) in a row, I will shrug it off and go about my day surrounded by my Pig Pen-ish cloud of dust.
But even I sometimes get it slightly twisted. For example, I was on the subway last week and a guy got on the train, locked eyes with me and then issued a loud, wet, prolonged burp. At first, my gut instinct was to be quietly horrified, especially in light of the pickled hamburger stank wafting towards my nostrils. But then I remembered that we are all totally nasty – some of us are just better at hiding it than others. Even as I was locking eyes with this belcher, I had been quietly taking the opportunity of the opening train doors to let some foul tummy gas escape from my person. But the nastiness doesn't stop there. Here are 9 other nasty things I guarantee that you've done AT LEAST once:
1. Eaten Something From The Garbage
Just admit it. Once, when working as The World's Worst Secretary™, I threw away a rainbow cookie because I am not partial to Italian pastries and also because I had glutted myself on sweets already that day. Then 4PM rolled around and I was ravenous (read: deeply bored) so I hoisted my trash onto my lap, ferreted around inside until I found the cookie, and ate it in one bite, my eyes locking on the horrified by attractive visage of my office crush as he waited for the elevator to arrive in the vestibule.
2. Wiped Snot Somewhere You Shouldn't
I do this literally all the time. I mean, I don't furtively wipe my nose nasties onto like, subway seats or anything like that. But if I am waking up in the morning, and I've got a runny nose, I will NOT be getting up to get a kleenex. No – Instead I will be using my own t-shirt, and I defy you to claim that you've never also done so.
3. Gone Without Wiping
We've all been at that one truck stop. Our ass has rained and rained until it could rain no more. Our thigh muscles are weak with it. We go to clean ourselves off (it's like giving one vaguely moist paper towel to a coal miner anyway) only to find there isn't even a ply in sight. So what do we do? Squeeze or cheeks together, waddle our way back to the park, and burn those pants later.
4. Forgotten to Wear Deodorant
When I graduated from college and moved out, my mom and I packed up my belongings (those which weren't throw out, oh giant furry purple body pillow, we barely knew ye) and we began the two-day drive home. I couldn't find my deodorant. Meh, I thought. What difference could it make? Turns out a lot. My mom stopped on the side of the road determined to find out where the "cat pee" smell was coming from. I was the cat pee smell.
5. Had a Foot-Odor Issue
We've all had that one pair of shoes that, no matter what we do, turn into the bog of eternal stench when we put them on our delicate tootsies. In college, I once ever-so-casually rushed to the bathroom mid-hookup...to wash my feet in a sink. #puresex.
6. Gone Multiple Days Without Showering
Whatever. If it was good enough for the feudal lords, then it's good enough for me! Plague, shmage! Plus you know those oils are good for your skin, nails and hair. Shine on you crazy diamond.
7. Forgotten Underwear
I am an out-and-proud member of the "fuck underwear" club. As such, I find it hard to believe that I'm the only one who has been all, "You know what I don't need today? Underwear." Because, let's be honest: Underwear can be annoying and sometimes you just don't need it.
8. Not Washed Your Jeans
My brother has never once washed his jeans. This is hilarious because he is easily the most fastidious person I know. Instead of "ruining the fit" he will toss them in my freezer when he's crashing on the couch. In the morning my waffles are tainted with chilly man stank, but I can't say I don't have a pair of jeans (or twelve) that have scarcely (if ever) seen the inside of a washing machine.
9. Left Zit Juice on a Mirror
Go to your bathroom right now. Look at your mirror. Unless you have just cleaned it, I guarantee you that upon close inspection you will see flecks of what can only be described as "zit juice". You're a terrible garbage person. That's okay, because I am too.