Well hello people who don't like to read the books but for some very strange reason like to read the spoilers. It's nice to get reacquainted with you considering Game of Thrones is on hiatus and everyone knows ain't nobody got time to read those bibles. But, in a fair exchange for me revealing Mockingjay plot points, I'll need your tears as my due recompense. I'd ask for your first born children but that's just a lot of kids I'd have to put in daycare and honestly, what kind of a sacrificial offering is that?
Anyhow, like I said... tears. I shall prepare you for them. Because honestly, Mockingjay is a movie chock full of them. You might even snivel. You just might. Not that this is a particular revelation because it's sort of a movie set in the midst of an intense dystopian tragedy, but we've become desensitized to the whole dystopian thing, haven't we? We love those things. Eat 'em up like candy. We're all just a bunch of sadistic, masochistic (double whammy) weirdos who delight in beloved characters' ongoing misfortunes.
So, this one's for you, sadistic weirdos. All the moments in Mockingjay that will make you cry your eyes out:
THE GENERAL DREARINESS OF DISTRICT 13
It's just depressing. So totally depressing, that you may just find tears rolling down your cheeks at he sheer grayness of it all. And, they almost lose Prim's frickin' cat. CAN ANYONE CATCH A BREAK?!
WHEN KATNISS GOES BACK TO DISTRICT 12 TO SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION
Just rub some salt in the wound, everyone who's supposed to be taking care of Katniss.
WHEN KATNISS BONDS WITH HOSPITAL BOUND PEOPLE AND THEN WATCHES THE HOSPITAL GET BLOWN UP
Above is your reaction, probably. Suzanne Collins, why you gotta be so mean?
WATCHING PEETA GET TORTURED
I mean. I'm crying as I type this.
WHEN KATNISS FINDS OUT PEETA'S ALIVE
J Law, you slay me.
WHEN EFFIE'S FORCED TO SURRENDER HER FABULOCITY TO THE DISTRICT 13 DRESS CODE
Is there anything more upsetting than a stifled sense of fashion? I mean really.
WHEN PEETA NEARLY SQUEEZES KATNISS TO DEATH
Stupid Peeta. Stupid hijacked brain. Can't you see she loves you and you're literally (hands around her throat) KILLING her?!
WHEN YOU REALIZE LIAM HEMSWORTH CAN'T EVEN LOOK BAD IN A LOOSE FITTING GRAY JUMPSUIT
Hot. Damn. Tears of joy.
FINNICK AND ANNIE'S WEDDING
Barring the fact that I don't know when they'll cut this torturous movie in half, there won't be A DRY EYE IN THE HOUSE, I TELL YOU.
Images: Lionsgate (4); Giphy (4)