Life Lessons From Britney's 'Greatest Hits'

by Kristie Rohwedder

On Nov. 8 2004, Britney Spears released a collection of chart-smashing songs called Greatest Hits: My Prerogative. It was not, as some (and by “some” I totally mean “the person hunched over her laptop typing these words”) feared, Britney's way of announcing that she was retiring from the biz. She had not, as some (and by “some” I still mean “the hunched person writing this”) feared, chosen to take her final bow and close the curtain on her pop music career. Brit Brit's Greatest Hits was just a recap of what she’d done so far, that’s all.

You could say her choice to release a greatest hits album six years into her pop music career was [looks left, looks right] her prerogative.

The door’s that way, yes? No, no, don’t get up. I will let myself out. I'll lock the door behind me.

Every track on the album is a banger of a jam, duh, but every last one of 'em also happens to be full of advice. You better believe each song on Godney's Greatest Hits packs a life lesson punch. Lessons that can and should be applied to all of our lives.

Here are 17 really important life lessons from Britney Spears's Greatest Hits: My Prerogative:

1. “My Prerogative”

LIFE LESSON: DGAF about anything ever because YOLO.

2. “Toxic”

LIFE LESSON: Poison Ivies with toxic lips are out there, so stay alert.

3. “I’m a Slave 4 U”

LIFE LESSON: What’s practical is logical. What the hell, who cares?

4. “Oops!… I Did It Again”

LIFE LESSON: A strategically placed Titanic reference can really enhance an already remarkable piece of music.

5. “Me Against the Music”

LIFE LESSON: When you dance, remember: other dancers are not your enemy. The music is your enemy. You must battle the songs with your moves.

6. “Stronger”

LIFE LESSON: A call-back to your first hit single will never go unappreciated.

7. “Everytime”

LIFE LESSON: Spell however you want.

8. “…Baby One More Time”

LIFE LESSON: If you turn off the light, look in the mirror, and say "Oh baby baby" in a sexy robot voice three times, a ghost of relationship past may appear.

9. “(You Drive Me) Crazy (The Stop Remix)”

LIFE LESSON: If you yell "STOP" in the middle of a song, it doesn't actually mean stop the music. It means pause and start back up again in a few seconds. Don't muck that up.

10. “Boys (The Co-Ed Remix)”

LIFE LESSON: If someone says "Let's turn this dance floor into our own little nasty world," it may not actually mean "Let's dump cranberry vodkas all over this laminate floor and wait for it turn into a big ol' sticky disaster."

11. “Sometimes”

LIFE LESSON: You may have incompatible feelings. You may be confused by said incompatible feelings. But don’t worry, time will fix it! TIME ALWAYS FIXES IT!

12. “Overprotected (The Darkchild Remix)”

LIFE LESSON: Don't be Bubble Boy.

13. “Lucky”

LIFE LESSON: Naming your kid Lucky is a bold move. Like, what if that kid happens to be the unluckiest sad sack ever? The name will forever hover over him/her like an antagonistic phantom. Poor Unlucky Lucky.

14. “Outrageous”

LIFE LESSON: Trench coat + underwear = totally chill outfit.

15. “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”

LIFE LESSON: Age limbo is a weird place. But once again, time will fix it. TIME ALWAYS FIXES IT!!!!!

16. “(I’ve Just Begun) Having My Fun”

LIFE LESSON: Hey, just because you fall asleep in a chair doesn't mean you haven't begun having your fun. NAPS ARE FUN.

17. “Do Somethin”

LIFE LESSON: If someone looks at you like you’re some kinda freak, ask ‘em why don’t they DO! SOMETHIN’!