Monster Energy Drinks Are Actually Satanic

18-year-old me would hate me for saying this (or just scowl in a non-committal fashion), but Monster energy drinks taste like gasoline that have been sweetened with corn syrup. You either drink it out of desperation, or because you're young and stupid. It’s terrible. But is it Satanic? One lady seems to think so, and she’s got the evidence the prove it. Someone recorded her at some anti-Satan convention, I’m guessing (Being from the Midwest, I can attest that there are plenty of these happening there), and she has a lot to say about Monster energy drinks and their subliminal messages. For starters, she likens the strikes that make up the iconic “M” to the Hebrew letter Vav, which happens to be the sixth letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Since there are three strikes, she points out that the “M” is really just “666.” Because obviously.

Next, she takes out a DIY poster which has the printed logo “M” and word “Monster” on it. “My interest is the word "monster." What do you see in the "o:?” Lady likes a good rhetorical question, because before the person with the camera can answer, she answers, “There’s a cross.” She then asks another vital rhetorical question: “What does Christ have to do with an energy drink?” My answer: “Jesus probably would have appreciated a Monster energy drink, considering he supposedly rose from the dead after being entombed for three days. Guy must have felt a little drained, right?” I'm guessing this woman would not have been pleased with my cheekiness.

Other evidence that Monster is the sweet, twisted creation of El Diablo: the cans say “BFC,” which stands for “Big Fucking Can,” and the box in which Monsters come, say “MILF,” and we ALL know what that means (and so does Satan, apparently.) So, long story short: Satan is playing us humans and using energy drinks as Satanic product placement and vessels to spread the gospel of the anti-Christ and Underworld. All I gotta say is, god bless this woman (although she probably argues she’s already blessed.) Lord knows I like a good conspiracy theory.

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