In news that’s about to blow your mind: penises can break. It’s fairly uncommon, usually the result of a woman being on top (or aggressive masturbation), and can be fixed without issue for 90 percent of men. Tragically, the other 10 percent could suffer from life-long urinary issues due to the damage done to the urethra. If medical assistance isn’t immediately sought after a penis breaks, then not only are dudes looking at urinary problems, but also deformity and erectile dysfunction. Yikes.
But how on earth do you break a penis, especially when there are no bones in it? Easy. When it’s erect, a penis can be fractured when one of the two tubes (corpus cavernosum) is ruptured. The number one way to know that a penis has been fractured, besides severe pain, of course, is from the loud “popping noise,” followed by swelling, and a very black and blue penis. It definitely doesn’t sound very pretty, but unless a man has a Peyronie’s disease (curvature of the penis due to scar tissue formation), breaking one isn’t exactly easy, and can be avoided by not being so rough with it.
But when it comes to sex injuries, fractured penises are just the tip (I had to): A 2010 study found that five percent of people have suffered sex injuries so bad that they had to take time off from work, while a study by dating site Meetville found that in the process of people hurting themselves mid-sex 40 percent of people also broke something in their home. In fact, the average cost for sex-related damages comes in at $246.
Since getting it on is clearly a dangerous deed, you should probably be on the look out for ways not to fall victim to sex-related injuries. If something doesn’t feel good, then stop. If it looks like that kitchen table can’t hold you and your partner, then try the floor instead. It's really that simple.
Here are the most common sex injuries that could actually happen to you, if you’re not careful.
According to research by sex toy company Lelo, sex-related broken bones is one of the top 10 most common sex injuries. The most common bones to be broken during sex? Fingers and toes, which, when you think about it, makes sense. Apparently, broken ribs are a real problem, too, due to couples falling in showers or rolling right off the bed.
EYE AND VISION PROBLEMS
In other wonderful news, apparently intense orgasms can rupture blood vessels your eyes. According to Seriously Science,
[one] patient who became blind in one eye after a vigorous romp in the sack. Apparently he experienced what’s known as a “valsalva manoeuvre” during orgasm–basically, by holding his breath and pushing on his diaphragm (like you do when you’re trying to clear your nose), he drastically increased the blood pressure in his eye. The result? A burst blood vessel and blindness. It turns out that this isn’t uncommon during orgasm–but hey, at least it’s temporary!
Although less common, you can also run the risk of another type of "pink eye," from getting foreign substances in your eye. (This is where I refrain from sharing a story about that "one time in college," but, yes, eye infections from cum is a possibility.)
According to Cosmo, tearing within the vagina or on the vulva are among the top four most common sex injuries.
Luckily, vaginal tearing isn’t only very common — it's also really preventable. All it takes is slowing down on the action and not being afraid to load up on the lube. It’s a dry vagina that suffers the most, so if you’re not very wet naturally, then lube is your best friend when it comes to protecting (and enjoying) yourself during intercourse.
THINGS GETTING “LOST” OR “STUCK”
From condoms, to sex toys, to whatever the hell else you decide to insert into an orifice while having sex, “foreign objects,” that easily go in, but that you can’t get back out manages to always find itself on common sex injury lists.
Doctors suggest waiting for about 15 minutes after intercourse before trying to retrieve any missing items, because that’s how long it takes a vagina to get itself back to a relaxed and normal-sized state. If you can’t get an object out, then you’ll have to take yourself to the ER and explain to them why you have a pickle stuck in your vagina. (No judgment here! I love pickles.)
It might be a scary thought, but according to Lelo, "sex accounts for 0.6 percent of all sudden deaths," therefore putting it in one of the top spots for sex injuries. It's also a more common side effect for men who are cheating.
As for heart attacks during sex though, Harvard Medical School researchers have found there's only a one percent chance of someone dying from a heart attack mid-sex. So ... that's good?
Whether it's a Charlie horse, or a back that gets thrown out, pulled muscles will always find themselves in the top sex injuries. Makes sense, since you can find yourself in some pretty precarious positions.
You might not think of infections as injuries — but they sure do hurt. According to Women's Health, infections are among the top six most common sex injuries for women. Women who are naturally prone to yeast infections and UTIs take note: sex, both vaginal and oral, can up your chances even of getting them.
The best way to help minimize these two infections is by using protection and peeing before and after sex.
In my single days, my dog Hubbell made it his mission to make sure no other man in the world could possibly replace him. He did this by general intimidation and making sex with my partners unbearable, as he growled on the other side of the bedroom door. He even lunged at and bit the nose of someone I was seeing when he managed to get into the bedroom one night.
Animal attacks, cat scratches in particular, are a fairly common sex injury, especially if you have a very protective pet. Animals who love you can misread the situation and think you're being attacked, so they naturally go in to protect you — clawing up and biting everyone in the process.
HICKEYS AND LOVE BITES
The most common of all sex injuries? The bruises from hickeys and the bite marks. Sure, bites and bruising from a particularly aggressive romp may be badges of, "Yeah, I totally got some," but they can also cause more trauma than one would think. In 2011, a woman in New Zealand suffered a stroke from a hickey. Her partner's suction on her neck caused a clot, which led to the minor stroke, which led to paralysis in her left arm.