If there was a religion dedicated to praying to a god text messaging, I would immediately shave my head and join up. Everyone else in the religion would probably be like, "Why did you shave your head?" and I'd be like, "I don't really know—enthusiasm?" And then they'd hug me and maybe give me a wig and a guide to new Emojiis and all would be right with the world. Which is to say, I truly love text messages. In fact, when I die, rather than worry about saying some brilliant and memorable final words, I will probably request that my youthful relations pass me my phone and then post an admittedly disturbing death selfie to Instagram. That's how seriously I take digital communication.
I know that I am not alone in this fierce (and perhaps problematic) addiction to all things text-related. In fact, I recently was discussing this passion with a friend who admitted to me that she'd just had a dream wherein she was texting with her boss (there were also unicorns involved in this dream, which is neither here nor there). If you're a text-head (a thing I totally just made up), perhaps you will understand these 9 things that are all too familiar to us thumb-thumping addicts.
The Power of Emojiis
If I can't say it with whales and small, smiling, coiled piles of feces, then I don't want to say it at all.
The Evils of The "..."
I love my iPhone, but if you think I haven't managed to give myself stress farts by watching the "..." bubble that indicates the other party is typing then you do not know me very well. The only thing worse than a passive-aggressive text, is a passive-aggressive "...".
Case Means Everything
Let's say I've had a rough day and am feeling dramatic. Bestie texts me, "Are you okay?" to which I reply "Yeah" and it's true, I am okay. If Bestie texts me, "Are you okay?" and I respond with "yeah", then she is stopping on her way home to procure both pies and wines because clearly that lower-case "Y" implies I am deep in crisis.
The Chemical Reaction An incoming Ping Brings
I have never taken intravenous drugs for recreational purposes. I do not need to, because I've felt champagne bubbles rushing to my head every time my phone merrily pings to let me know that someone has texted me.
A Phone Is Not For Talking Into
It's silly, sure, but I know I'm not alone when I roll my eyes each time somebody "calls me" to "schedule a meeting" or to "say hi". Don't they know that's what texts are for?
A Picture Says a Thousand Words
My dad is terrible at using his phone. But do you know what he is not terrible at? Sending me selfies wherein he is either giving me the finger or sticking out his tongue. That's basically dad-speak for "You're pretty alright, kid" which is normal person speak for "I love you and miss you."
We're Masters Of Text Romance
If you asked me to go put the moves on some guy at a bar, odds are, I'd swagger over to him and tell you that you are making me hit on him and beg that he play along. But if I'm into someone and we're texting?! God damn, it's not hot in here—it's just my MOVES, SON! Setting shorts on fire!
How Badly You Want to Set Your Significant Other's Old Flip Phone on Fire
My last boyfriend had a flip phone. I know. Do you know how hard it is to fight with someone via text when you are dealing with dinosaur-era technology?! It is almost impossible. That's why we broke up. JK. Sort of.
The Sheer High of a Well-Executed Swype
Do you know about the Swype app?! Let me first address something: This is not a paid endorsement of Swype. I just love it. For those of you who don't know, Swype is this app that transforms your keyboard. You don't have to type letters—you swipe them. It's like doodling, only you make words. When it works, it's perfect and glorious. When it doesn't work, your roommate asks you to pick up toilet paper and you respond with "Ethiopia". This, in its own way, is just as good.