We've established that all couples are disgusting, and I'm not just talking about the pet names — I'm talking about the way that every time you and your sweetie exchange a tender kiss, that kiss contains 80 million bacteria (okay, I'm also talking about the pet names). Yeah, those are 80 million harmless bacteria, but the whole thing still feels a little gross. And that's not even touching on all the gross stuff that couples do that doesn't involve swapping any bacteria, but does involve being wildly foul —like sharing toothbrushes, pooping with the door open, or picking a stray piece of broccoli out of their teeth. It's enough to make you want to swear off dating and barricade yourself inside your house alone forever, right?
Well, you might want to think it over a little more before you take a vow of celibacy and commit to a monogamous relationship with Seamless — because as foul as we are in pairs, we are inarguably a thousand times fouler on our own. After all, no matter how long you've been in a relationship, you still probably hope that the other person still finds you kinda sexy, or dignified, or at least doesn't think that you have actual chunks of garbage flowing through your veins.
But when you're alone, there's no one you have to impress by not peeing in the shower, or, you know, even taking an actual shower. And that is why when we're alone, we let loose —with these 19 thoroughly disgusting solo behaviors below that pretty much every woman does (but I'm sure you've never done any of them, fair maiden).
COVERTLY SNIFFING YOUR CROTCH TO SEE IF IT SMELLS
Especially when someone in your office mentions a "weird smell." I mean, it's never actually you that's the weird smell, but that fact seems to have little impact on one's overall crotch stank paranoia levels.
TAKING A WASHCLOTH-SHOWER INSTEAD OF AN ACTUAL SHOWER
Soap down the pits and crotch, hit your roots with some dry shampoo, and no one is the wiser (right? RIGHT??).
PEEING IN THE SHOWER
Raise your hand if you have ever suffered the instant karma of peeing in the shower, only to have the drain immediately become clogged, leaving you covered in soap, standing in pee water, and cursing the day you were born.
PICKING OUT A PIECE OF HAIR THAT HAS BECOME LODGED IN YOUR BUTT CRACK
Bonus points if the hair strand is so long that it has managed to wedge itself into both your butt crack and vulva. Double bonus points if you only realize the hair is stuck there after you start hooking up with someone, and desperately try to figure out a way to extract it without drawing too much attention.
IMPROVISING A PAD OUT OF T.P.
Even though every other time you've done this, it's gotten torn to weird shreds and left your underwear a bloody mess, you still hold out hope that this time is going to be different. No one in the world is as blindly optimistic as a woman who has just made a pad out of toilet paper.
LOOKING AT YOUR PERIOD BLOOD IN THE TOILET BOWL
I mean, it does look kind of cool. But it's still probably not an acceptable topic to bring up at brunch. Same goes for poop.
SMELLING YOUR OWN FARTS
It's so strange how when you dealt it they somehow don't smell as bad.
MASTURBATING WITH SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT MADE TO BE MASTURBATED WITH
Everyone has a favorite, right? Mine's a Neutrogena microdermabrasion wand with the exfoliating pad ripped off. Sonicare toothbrushes can, however, be disappointing.
HAVING A LOT OF FUN DIGGING OUT AN INGROWN HAIR
The feeling of relief that washes over your body after you successfully extract an ingrown pubic hair is probably life's greatest feeling that can be shared with absolutely no one else ever.
PLAYING WITH YOUR CHIN/NIPPLE HAIR BEFORE PLUCKING IT
I have a single chin hair, which I once measured before plucking it. It was one inch long. Does admitting this on the internet mean that I'm no longer eligible for any political jobs?
WEARING THE SAME PAIR OF PAJAMA PANTS WITHOUT UNDERWEAR FOR DAYS IN A ROW
Hey, they're loose, right?
GOING ON A PIMPLE POPPING RAMPAGE
Your skin always looks worse after, but you feel so satisfied.
EXAMINING YOUR PANTY CRUST LIKE YOU'RE A SCIENTIST
And not just because you forgot to bring your phone in with you when you went to the bathroom (but also that).
CHEWING ON A PIECE OF GUM YOU FOUND AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR PURSE
You know, the piece of gum that's been knocked out of its wrapper by random purse crap? The kind that you'd act super disgusted about and make a big show of throwing out if someone else were there?
ENJOYING THE FEELING OF YOUR LEG STUBBLE
Admit it: when you are all alone, you caress your last-shaved-five-days-ago calves lovingly, as if they were a beloved house pet.
STICKING YOUR HAND DOWN YOUR PANTS WHILE YOU'RE RELAXING
Dudes, you are not the only one who stick your hand down your pants in a non-sexual way while you're watching TV. This is your notice.
SCRATCHING YOUR BOOB AREA AFTER YOU TAKE OFF YOUR BRA
Sometimes just around the bra band area; sometimes all over the boobs themselves, if you've gotten really sweaty that day. Way more pleasurable than it should be.
PICKING A BOOGER AND WIPING IT SOMEWHERE INAPPROPRIATE
The crack between your bed and the wall is not a trashcan.
EATING A TON OF CAKE IN BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Or a whole package of Oreos. Or most of a pizza. Then falling asleep next to the plate; then looking at the evidence in the morning with an air of shock and confusion, like you have no idea what happened. Who ate garlic knots in your bed last night? Probably aliens! It's the only reasonable answer! Or ghosts. Could have also been ghosts.