'True Blood' Premiere Proves We're In Desperate Need of A Lafayette Infusion

Last night's season premiere of True Blood was an hour-long WTF fest, although fans should've known that was coming after last season's disastrous plotting. I literally sat in front of the TV for the entire episode trying to follow the action, and there was only one moment of levity: When Sam brings Emma back to the bar to find Lafayette defending it. We felt it during Season 5's finale, and we feel it again: All we really need in our lives is more Lafayette, because this season is already shaping up to be dark and stormy, and Lafayette is home cookin' and sunshine all rolled into one.

Pam and Tara are busy pretending they don't desperately want to fuck each other, Eric is being a confusing bitch to everyone but Sookie, and big suprise here, Sookie is being a dumb ho as usual. Don't even get me started on how she's ejected Eric from her house JUST WHEN SHE HAS TWO CRAZY POWERFUL VAMPIRES ON HER ASS. Like, honestly girl? Your fairy powers are drying up like you're going through superpower menopause AND your ex-boyfriend just turned into Billith. Oh yeah, and you've got some crazy-ass scroll more or less guaranteeing you have a vampire that wants to collect on his deal. Is now really the time to reject vampires? Whatever. Anyhow, the entire episode was hardcore and worryingly complex, but damn, when Lafayette offered up something fried, covered in sugar and fried again, I wanted to be the lil werebaby, even though she's going through some hardcore shit. I realize this is a seriously messed-up way to think.

Therefore, we need more Lafayette all the time. I want him to be Tara and Pam's relationship councilor. I want him to be Bill's conscience. And I also want him to somehow resurrect Jesus, because Jesus was so fierce. Also, if he could somehow vanish the four confusing Lilliths that are haunting Bill, that would be cool. They don't make any sense and make us (Billith included) feel like we're on drugs. Also, I want Lafayette to live in my kitchen and serve me down home cooking with a large side of sassy every day, all day. If that's too much to ask... no wait, nevermind, it's definitely not.

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