I'll admit it: I’m 24 years old and already am most definitely a boring adult. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the time to be exciting anymore, or maybe I’ve always just been kind of boring. Even in college, I hated big, sweaty, crowded parties where people whooped and hollered over ping pong balls deftly landing in red cups full of flat Natty Ice. I would sit on the couch, chug my Popov and Cactus Cooler out of misery, and hope that my friends would want to leave soon so I could go back to the dorms and get on Facebook. But at least I pretended, you know?
Now, I am so true to my boring self. No more pretending—I have full on embraced it. I’ve soaked it all in and I am not ashamed. I like online shopping in bed, and wearing sweatpants all day long. I like having a predictable day, and taking comfort in the fact that after work, I’ll get to treat myself to an old episode of Gossip Girl while I eat the same Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream flavor that I’ve loved since I was fifteen (Phish Food, duh). The most spontaneous I will ever really get is when I decide to buy a new shade of Essie polish when I only came to Target for toilet paper (Whoa! Reign that girl in!). If you've recently felt yourself descend into boring adulthood, just know: you're totally not alone. Here are 19 signs you’ve succumbed to the ordinary:
1. You're at Crate and Barrel on a Saturday and it is exactly where you want to be
You could spend hours ogling at the cedar trivets, soy candles, and the chic cheeseboards that you’ll never even use because that would mean hosting a party, and that just seems like a lot of effort.
2. It’s Friday night and you’re in your PJs checking your e-mail
It’s almost the weekend and baby, you feel alive! JK you’re probably sleepy, playing a chill folk-y playlist Spotify curated for you, and reading e-mails. So what? It feels cathartic.
3. Your ideal vacation is spending the night at a hotel room with a soaking tub and HBO
A cabin? Nah, too much nature, aka, bugs and dirt. A trip to Europe? Well, that would require a lot of planning and walking and studying languages and buying an adapter so you can charge your phone, and then feeling alienated because you're blatantly American and don't feel cultured enough. Ideally, you would just find a bed and breakfast an hour away from you, where you could read in the bath and then watch late-night, highbrow crime-noir.
4. You are horrified by the sequined crop-tops you wore when you were 19 years old
Who even were you? A human disco ball? How could you have lived like this? Didn't your skin have some kind of horrible reaction to all that glitter?
5. Your neighbors are having a loud party and you contemplate calling the cops. Or at least complaining very loudly to yourself.
OK, calling the cops would be a total jerk move, but you’re still tempted. Just playing Imagine Dragons at that volume should be a criminal offense. Hmm...you kind of like this new aggressive, ornery you.
6. You no longer choose fun ringtones for your phone
You used to switch up your ringtone every month. Sufjan Stevens’ “Come on! Feel The Illinois!” was your “holiday” ringtone. Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” was your “fun and frisky” ringtone. Animal Collective for when you wanted to feel avant garde and intentionally misunderstood. Now? It’s just the default whatever. Or better yet, vibrate. Whatever, it's not your job to DJ your phone calls.
7. You probably have a nature calendar
Or a Zen garden calendar. Whatever, it's soothing, OK? Don't judge my journey.
8. You actually light your candles on a regular basis
And they’re nice candles. Like the kind you buy at Anthropologie that have names like “Madagascar vanilla bean and fresh strawberry compote.”
9. You actually have money in your bank account because you never go anywhere to spend it
That’s at least one of the endless perks to being a boring adult—you spend so much time working and pursuing cheap, lazy forms of entertainment like Netflix that you one day realize you’re basically a millionaire (LOL we wish).
10. Your e-mail inbox is categorized and neatly organized
And all your spreadsheets are color-coded. You dedicate at least one hour per week to doing Gmail maintenance, because unread messages make you feel like your life is spiraling out of control.
11. You’ve slowly begun replacing your party clothes with yoga pants
You used to have skimpy LBDs, sexy sheer tops that showed off your buff Michelle Obama arms, and funky-patterned jeans that actually looked good on you. But now those sit cultivating dust and are probably slowly being eaten by bacteria because you choose to wear comfy “loungewear” all the time and you've never been happier.
12. You describe getting a Frappuccino or Taco Bell as “naughty”
Sometimes, if you’ve finished all your work early, or managed to go to the DMV without having a psychological meltdown, you decide to be a little wild by driving to Starbucks and ordering a drink with actual whipped cream on it.
13. When friends cancel plans you had with them, you do a secret happy dance
“Oh no, that totally sucks,” you text back, pretending to be bummed out and slightly peeved while on the inside, you're secretly vigorous with glee. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AFTER ALL!
14. You have a slight panic attack anytime the restaurant you’re in is too loud with hip music
Especially when you’re with someone and all you want to do is have a conversation over salads and wine and now you can’t because a remix of some song by the XX is blasting and that means you have to speak louder, and probably repeat things. Ugh. Where is your preventative Tylenol?
15. Forever 21 has become too "intense” for you
You can’t imagine pulling off mini-skirts with gold chevron patterns on it anymore, or sweaters that say “AMORE” in electric green, or pink heels that sort of feel like you’re wearing butter knives. Forever 21 doesn't seem safe anymore—it's a jungle filled with bright polyester and tribal leggings and it all makes you nervous.
16. You go to the same three restaurants over and over again
You have your Thai place, your Italian place, and McDonald's. What more could a girl need?
17. When someone asks you what you want for your birthday you just say, “Eh, a Target gift card”
Why mess around with anything else when you know you can just get it at Target and probably love it because Target is brilliant and a one-stop shopping trip for all the things cute and slightly above mediocre?
18. Your Facebook profile picture hasn’t changed in the last six months
It's the same one from that one concert you don't even remember going to because it was so long ago (Modest Mouse? Are they even together anymore?), but whatever. You don't have time to be switching out your Facebook profile pic every day when you could be on Tumblr or online shopping for artisan cheese instead.
19. You would order spicy food off the menu, but you forgot your Tums
You used to eat spicy food all the time: You had Sriracha with your French toast; tapatio with your grilled cheese. You used to just snack on hot peppers like they were Cheez-Its. However, your stomach lining has not aged fantastically over the years, and the spiciest you can really go these days is a can of Tostitos "Medium" salsa. Lame, but hey. You're cool with mac 'n cheese and endless bread, too.
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