Ranking Everything Under Stephen Colbert's Desk

Stephen Colbert is an American hero, gifted with a strong sense of justice and a desk that makes Mary Poppins' bottomless bag look like a wristlet too small to fit your tampon in. If the last 10 seasons of the Colbert Report have done anything of value, it's in using that desk as an instrument of wonder, filled to the brim with baby animals. And just to recap on those fond memories, Comedy Central created a supercut of all the amazing things under Colbert's desk.

Now of course, not all of these things are created equally, and I felt it my civic duty to order them accordingly. This required some tough decision-making. Puppies versus kitties. Cake versus booze. Aragorn's sword versus Frodo's sword. It was like Sophie's Choice up in here. But I narrowed it down to a slender top 48, in descending order from least awesome to most awesome. Doing God's work, I know.

It'll be hard on our hearts when the whimsical, ridiculous Colbert persona gives way to a probable calmer Late Night personality, but we'll always have sweet memories of vaxadoodles, parasols, and Hulk dildos. Check out the video below, and then our official ranking of just some of the magical things that inhabit the Colbert Report desk.

48. Virtual Conserva-Goggles

Hilarious on the show, not-so-much in real life.

47. An Anaconda


46. This Mystery Hat


45. Watermelon with a Knife In It

I'm sure context is important for this one.

44. Pie Chart

Looks like a literal pie? Get it together, Colbert.

43. 3 Separate But Indistinguishable Chickens

That would just make me anxious.

42. Famous Republican Salsa

It's mostly mayonnaise.

41. Those Orthodox Hair Curls and a Prayer Scarf

I'm ironically Catholic, so personally I don't know if this is in some way offensive or not.

40. Lucky Prayer Hat

Looks like it came out of a religious variant of Limited Too in 1998.

39. Prayer Sombrero

Ranks higher by virtue of being a sombrero.

38. The Atone Phone

I have no idea.

37. Shoe Phone and Answering Machine

Amusing, can't imagine the logistics of this working.

36. One of Those Old-Timey Calculators

At least it keeps us from doing math.

35. This Banana

Was never a big banana phone.

34. An Equestrian Hat

Stylish in an understated way.

33. Emergency Glass

For sugar emergencies and such.

32. Wooden Clogs

Pretty, but kind of last season, you know?

31. One Large Cat

It's fine, just a bit underwhelming.

30. His gun, "Sweetness"

I'm pro-gun control, but I'm also pro-matching outfits.

29. Tater Tots

Tot me, babe.

28. His Attractive TV Family

Which he wisely pairs with KFC.

27. Contraception

For those of you who aren't familiar.

26. Birdies

You can't deny how colorful they are.

25. A Pair of Glasses on a Ham Loaf

The only way to eat ham, really.

24. This Fanciful Parasol

He's the fairest belle in all of Atlanta.

23. Portable Velvet Rope VIP Section

Fashionable AND functional.

22. I Think a Hulk-Model Dildo

I'm just so glad this happened.

21. Gene Simmons Boots

Most if not all of my friends owned boots like this in eighth grade.

20. Cheese Hat

Colbert with a cheese head — what could be better?

19. 20 Pound Wedge of Cheese


18. This Cake

This is a beautiful gourmet concoction.

17. Booze

To wash down the cake.

16. Ben & Jerry's

To wash down the sadness of having cake and Jim Bean for dinner.

15. ABBA

Is that David Duchovny, or am I losing it?

14. A Human Slave for High-Fiving

You never know when you'll need a high-five.

13. A Starbucks Barista

I'm shocked I haven't done this by now.

12. Weed from the Office Fridge

Presented without comment.

11. This Baby

I just love babies, okay?

10. The Elvish Blade Sting

I just love Lord of the Rings, okay?

9. Aragorn's Sword

Um, I want Aragorn's sword under my desk, ifyouknowwhatImean.

8. These Awards

Suck it, Jon Stewart.

7. A Bunny Rabbit

Just look at the fear in its eyes!

6. This Adorable Puppy

5. This Sweet Brown Puppy

Oh my God, can I keep it?

4. Vaxadoodle

The first doggie doctor!

3. Two Little Kittens

Crying forever.

2. Lesbian Puppies


1. Ewok Puppy

Regardless of where you stand on Ewoks, this is flat-out heart-melting.

Images: Comedy Central (49)