Today in Really Brilliant Marketing, Paul Gale Comedy (the same genius who brought you Why Starbucks Spells Your Name Wrong) teaches us how to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew. Kind of. Sponsored by Zipz Wine (a portable PET plastic wine cup you can bring anywhere in order to enjoy your blessed fermented nectar), this video is devastatingly hilarious. How To Open a Bottle of Wine Without a Corkscrew depicts an awkward couple probably on their first date. The girl, upon arriving at her date’s house, says she’s got a “bottle of grape juice—just kidding, it’s wine!” and her date tells her to go ahead and open it while he runs out and picks up his suit.
I don’t know about you, but when anyone instructs me to do something like it’s not a big deal, I make it into a big deal. “Oh yeah, just help yourself to a Diet Coke,” turns into a treasure hunt from hell. “It’s in the third cabinet from the right” translates to “Please, feel free to have a panic attack.” So when the girl finds her date’s interpretive dancing model shots instead of the corkscrew, sets the photos on fire, and then scrambles to find a way to mitigate the situation by getting drunk, I relate to her on many, many levels. But it also turns out that you can't open a bottle of wine using a spoon, hot water, telekinesis, or cyber-bullying.
Discover all the different ways you can't open a bottle wine without a corkscrew and prepare to laugh for all of eternity:
However, if you really are in a bind and have no corkscrew (and let's be real, we've all been in this position), there are actually real ways to open a bottle of wine without one of these silly contraptions.
Method 1: Twist a screw into the cork using a screwdriver, and then pull out the cork with the back of a hammer. Downside? You'll need a toolbox.
Method 2: Stab your cork with a knife (carefully, obviously) at a 45 degree angle, and slowly turn the knife until the cork slides out. Let Crazy Russian Hacker show you the way:
Method 3: Take you shoe off (it should be a sturdy sneaker). Place the bottle of wine into your shoe, and slam the shoe against a wall repeatedly until the pressure of the wine essentially gives birth to the cork.
Method 4: Much like the knife method, you can also use your keys to open wine. Just shove your key in at a 45 degree angle and twist up. Another wine-opening lesson brought to you by Crazy Russian Hacker, whom I want to marry.
Method 5: No knife or keys around? That sucks. But if you have scissors, you’re good to go. Just thrust a blade into the cork (sorry that sounds way more sexual than intended), spin, and pull.
Method 6: Open your wine with a book! Just use it as a buffer, and slam the bottom of the bottle against the book, which you should hold up against a sturdy wall. After you're done, enjoy your glass (or two, or three—hey, you deserve it) while you read.
Image: Paul Gale Comedy/YouTube