As a textbook introvert, I often find parties both stressful and boring. Even if I know most of the people in attendance, I tend to observe rather than participate. Perhaps my wallflower ways would seem more exciting if I owned a pair of these Johnnie Walker and Oliver Sweeney brogues, which come with tiny bottles of whiskey in both heels. That way, I could take covert swigs of alcohol while people-watching like a regular ol' Hemingway. Alas, I don't really like whiskey. But these shoes are brilliant nonetheless.
The brogues, which are unfortunately "for men" (hey, women like to drink too!), are super cool tan leather with red trim and would go with literally anything. Including party dresses (*ahem* your move, Johnnie). On top of being trendy, they come with miniature bottles of Johnnie Walker perfectly concealed by a compartment in the heel, meaning you can subtly get your drink on without attracting too much attention. Aside from the part where you, well, slide a tiny liquor bottle out from under your shoe. Just think how convenient these would be for all the upcoming holiday gatherings you definitely don't want to attend!
The brogues are made in Italy and cost $489, so they aren't exactly a bargain. But think of what you're getting — stylish kicks plus two bottles of whiskey with which to spike everything from Coke at the movie theater to tea at your grandmother's house. Too bad they only come in size Patriarchy.
Images: Oliver Sweeney