Love it or hate it, A Christmas Story will play for 24 hours straight on TBS this Christmas (and probably every Christmas until the end of time) — and you won’t be able to escape it. I know, because I try to avoid the movie every year, but my family makes it impossible. Each Christmas Eve, without fail, my dad changes the channel to watch the festive flick. I can tell you exactly which scenes he’ll chuckle at, and someone's bound to joke about buying a leg lamp. To make things worse, my family's from Cleveland, home of the house from A Christmas Story and a museum dedicated to the movie. So if you think you have it bad, don't even.
Despite my Scrooge-y attitude toward the movie, I'll admit it is pretty hilarious. Ralphie's pudgy baby face and Jean Shepherd's adult voiceover are a winning combo... and THOSE BUNNY PAJAMAS. (Where can I get some in my size?) But we all have a saturation point. If you're still laughing at Randy shoving his face in his food like "mommy's little piggy" after catching the same scene for the fourth time in 24 hours... well, I applaud your holiday cheer. Most likely, though, you'll experience these nine very emotional stages of watching A Christmas Story on repeat. Grab some spiked eggnog, and I promise you'll make it through.
1. Excitement. This is the best Christmas movie ever!
You haven't watched this movie since last Christmas and forgot how funny it is. That tongue-stuck-to-the-flagpole scene? Great stuff! Why did you rant to your cousin about how annoying this movie was at your family's party last year?
2. Frustration. You're being summoned away from the TV.
Ugh. You're a responsible adult now, and you should be nice and help your mom in the kitchen... but you were almost done with the movie! Whatever, you'll catch it in a couple hours.
3. Amusement. This scene is still pretty funny.
So you're catching the same half of the movie you already watched. You're still laughing, plus you've eaten too many Christmas cookies to will yourself off the couch at this point.
4. Restlessness. OK, Ralphie, we get it. You want a BB gun.
The magic of A Christmas Story has finally worn off, but your whole family is hanging out together and your mom is finally getting her chance to watch the Parker family's shenanigans, so fine. You'll stay put and down some more Christmas ale.
5. Slap-happiness (and drunkenness). You turned the movie into a drinking game.
Your sister thought it was a good idea, so why not? Cheers to Scut Farkus! And leg lamps! And Ovaltine!
6. Exasperation. Now you really can't take it anymore.
Your buzz is gone. Time to give up on this movie and sneak away... maybe eat more cookies.
7. Agony. YOU WANT TO SHOOT YOUR EYE(S) OUT.
Somehow you're stuck watching this for the zillionth time. You'd actually rather have your mouth washed out with soap than watch Ralphie have his mouth washed out with soap by his mom again.
8. Acceptance. This torture will be over soon.
It's only 24 hours. You've watched Mean Girls for an entire weekend before, you've got this.
9. Triumph. You did it!
You have a whole year to recover. Merry Christmas!
Images: A Christmas Story/MGM; Giphy (9)