34 Great Things I'd Gladly Give Up Before Coffee

Today I passed a billboard that spoke to me on a primal level. It said, "It would take over 300 cups of coffee for the average person to overdose on caffeine." And while I'm assuming it's partially because your bladder would burst and kill you long before the OD had a chance to happen, I am also taking this scientific nugget as validation of the coffee habit that (let's be real) I was never planning on kicking anyway. I'm pretty sure I would shave my eyebrows faster than I would give up coffee. (You can buy eyebrows. You cannot buy the kind of sanity that only comes from coffee.)

What is partially to blame, I am sure, is my upbringing in Seattle, notorious home of Starbucks and one of the most coffee-addicted cities in the world. Although the seven years I spent there were B.C. (before coffee), I think that the mere presence of coffee, its smell constantly lingering in the air, and the companionship of established coffee addicts served as the gateway to the dependency on caffeine I so proudly flaunt today. Hey, the news isn't all bad: coffee actually has health benefits (which you probably already knew, and have ready to in a PowerPoint slide for when your friends inevitably throw a How I Met Your Mother-style intervention about your coffee drinking). But what probably isn't so healthy is all the things I would be willing to give up for it:

1. Kesha's discography

2. Chinese delivery

3. The right to name my first child

4. Texting

5. This YouTube video of a baby laughing about ripped paper

6. The ability to wiggle my ears

7. Christmas presents (unless, of course, the present is coffee)

8. Tinder

9. Planning fake vacations

10. The Friends episodes about to hit Netflix

HEAR ME OUT: Friends would literally be no fun if you had to watch them drink coffee knowing you couldn't.

11. Stalking crushes on social media

12. Touching my own boobs

13. Being smug about grammar

14. My parents' Hulu Plus password

15. Making fun of people on reality television shows

16. A year of my own life

17. Cussing at other drivers

18. My ability to digest vegetables.

What was I really doing with it anyway?

19. Two-ply toilet paper

20. Getting licked by overly eager puppies

21. Following teen celebrities on Instagram


22. Panera bread bowls

23. Two inches off my height

24. My oh-so-clever Tumblr username(s)

25. The several-years-old recording of Legally Blonde the Musical on the DVR

26. Memories of my sophomore year of high school

Did anything of note happen to anyone in that year?

27. Cake balls

28. Spoons

(You think I won't eat soup with a fork? Try me.)

29. Chairs that spin

30. The ability to shave my legs

Actually this wouldn't be too much of a lifestyle change anyway.

31. Exaggerating stories for effect

32. Oxygen

33. Most humans I know

34. ...OK, everything. I would give up EVERYTHING for coffee.

Images: Fotolia; Giphy (9)