If Moms Played Cards Against Humanity, Because Really, Don't You Want To Spend Some Quality Time Together?
On the spectrum of things that you want to witness your mom do, "play Cards Against Humanity" probably falls somewhere between "hear her talk about how good your dad is at frenching" and "listen to her reveal that she once spent a year following the Dead with a guy named Seagull Dream, in a van with a unicorn painted on the side." But we should re-examine our knee-jerk stereotypes — why shouldn't moms play Cards Against Humanity, the infamously disgusting and misanthropic card game?
After all, if there's one thing anyone who's pushed a human being out of their vag knows, it's how disgusting life is; and if there's anything moms probably feel after a lifetime of dealing with children's tantrums, strangers who butt in to give their two cents about how to you raise your kids, offensive stereotyping about what moms can and can't do, and those jag-offs on the PTA, it's misanthropy.
So, in the spirit of this season of family togetherness, we think you should play Cards Against Humanity with you mom. To get you started, we've come up with a few mom-tacular card pairings, but don't expect your mom to limit herself to mom-related card topics. She may have a great idea for that "Daniel Radcliffe's delicious asshole" card, too. And maybe, just maybe, she'll finally tell you how things went sour between her and "Seagull Dream" (it had to do with his hemp sandal business, very sad story).
When Moms Play Cards Against Humanity...
"Keep stomping those Pop-Tarts all over the hall carpet, young lady, and we're selling your Taylor Swift tickets on Craigslist to some creepy twenty-something women!"
Hurtful break-ups and self-pitying hairdos are a walk in the park compared to a kid's party where no one shows up but the clown, okay?
It's more exciting than another game of Quarters, that's for damned sure.
Especially since someone insisted on taking a video of it.
"And Santa's really busy, so it could be anyone's, not even yours! Bet you wish you thought twice before trying to feed the cat PopRocks now, huh?"
I too have 50 percent less sex after being exposed to poopy diapers, so there you go.
"What, honey? No, I'm listening. Some kid in your class...did...something, right?"
They were such nice kids until they got mixed up in that stuff!
Sometimes, it really is that simple.
"Didn't we raise you better than that?!"
I mean, how else could you ladies get so much shit done? An eggnog toast to the moms of the world! Moms, you can drop a Xanax into you 'nog if you feel so inclined. You've earned it!