If we're being honest with ourselves, we would admit that New Year's resolutions are often counterproductive and turn into failures that drench us in shame and regret. They hang over our heads until the following NYE, when we can create false hope by saying, "This year will be different." But is it ever really that different? People cannot change overnight. And probably not even after 100 nights. To really change habits and behaviors, it takes work. It might take the whole year, or longer, to change one thing and really make it stick.
Maybe this year, we should boycott resolutions altogether. What have they done for us in years past? Besides disappoint us. It is kind of fun to envision the success that will come in the rapidly approaching new year though. Hmm... Here's a compromise, for all of you who hate making resolutions and don't have anything you prefer to change about yourself, let's make resolutions that couldn't possibly fail. Resolutions made for us to be exactly who we are, right here and right now. Not better versions of ourselves, because we're already spit-on-your-neck fantastic. Here are resolutions for us to just be us in 2015.
1. Eat anything you want, whenever you want to eat it.
Listen to your stomach, because it knows you better than anyone. Plus, eating healthy is for 2016.
2. Work out only if it's fun.
Only do it if and when you want to, not because you feel you have to in order to lose weight. No need to shrink down to "that perfect size" to be worthy of the happy life you already deserve at the size you currently are.
3. Change nothing about yourself physically.
Not even aging. Let those wrinkles slowly move in to their respective homes on your face and hands and just lean into it. Getting older is something to celebrate, not fear.
4. Drink more caffeine and/or booze.
Because you are an adult and can do whatever you damn well please. I mean, be safe about it obviously, but if you want to have an adult beverage on a Tuesday at lunch or a venti espresso right before bed, DO IT.
5. Take a vacation.
America has built a society of workaholic stress balls that will have to work past retirement age in order to live comfortably. Just for a week, forget all of this and go on a trip. Much like the portable gadgets with screens that we feel the need to stare at constantly, we need time to recharge. Take it and do not apologize for it.
6. Watch more TV.
There's no such thing as too much TV. I reject the stance that creative onscreen stories are a bad thing in large quantities. Whatever you want to watch, just watch it. Everyone around you is either watching too much TV proudly, or they're doing it in private. But either way, everyone is doing it in excess.
7. Read more books...
But only if they're being adapted for the big screen. That way you can be one of those people who says, "Well, the book was way better." Those people are the best people.
8. Pick a day and do everything the opposite of how you would normally do it.
Opposite Day already exists, but choose your own. That way nobody will expect you to behave so differently.
9. Pick a day and live like April Ludgate.
She hates just about everything and everyone. And since we've already decided that we hate resolutions, it might be interesting to take this grumpiness to the next level and ignore all of our instincts to do favors for others. She would probably hate this list too. Classic Ludgate.
Image: Parks And Rec/NBC; Giphy (9)