If Product Slogans Were Honest

We all know that most advertising slogans are bullshit, right? The folks of Reddit sure do — which is why they’ve taken it upon themselves to come up with a few honest product slogans for brands we know and love. The best of the bunch are funny because they’re true, and they certainly make for some entertaining reading. “Amazon: Facilitating buyer’s remorse since 1994” just doesn’t have the same ring as “The Everything Store,” does it?

The advertising industry mystifies me. I mean, by this point, we’ve all cottoned onto the fact that most products definitely don’t perform the miracles their campaigns and slogans suggest they do (has Mad Men taught us nothing?); and yet, every day, we get more and more of them, all telling us that we’ll be cooler or happier or whatever if we use those magical items. At the same time, though, I realize that if products used slogans that actually describe exactly what they do (or, in some cases, fail to do)… well, clearly that won’t make us spend our hard earned cash on them, either. Maybe there’s an alternative that we haven’t quite mailed down yet—something which will give us the information we need, but without the weird veneers that advertising gilds them with.

And in the meantime, at least we can laugh at the kinds of slogans we know wouldn’t fly. Although not all of the suggestions in the AskReddit thread are gems — for some of them, the ideas themselves are funnier than the actual execution, and a lot of them are just kind of blah — there’s a lot of truthful humor to be found in it. So here — take a peek and have a laugh. We’ve all been there, right?

1. Amazon

We’ve all been there. But when we actually feel like doing our homework before buying something on Amazon, we go here first:

2. Best Buy


3. Comcast

But even if you do have a choice, let’s face it: None of your options are good ones.

4. Hallmark

Pink_lemon_princess brings up a good point, though:

5. The History Channel

Remember when there was actually history on the History Channel? And when TLC actually stood for “The Learning Channel?” And when — of course — MTV actually consisted primarily of music television? Good times.

6. Five Guys

I fail to see how this is a problem.

7. Netflix

Just one more episode… OK, just one more after that… one more, I mean it…

8. Pepsi

I suppose for Pepsi drinkers it could also go the other way; I’d be interested, though, to see how the percentage of restaurant workers who regularly say, “Is Pepsi OK?” in response to a request for Coke differs from those who have to say, “Is Coke OK?” in response to a request for Pepsi.

9. Kraft Mac and Cheese

Or, alternatively, “When you’re in college and too broke to afford anything else.”

10. iTunes

For city dwellers this isn’t always the case — it’s kind of hard to stream music online when you’re way down deep under the city, hurtling through a series of tunnels in a little metal tube at incredibly high speeds — but I hear they’re working on that, sooooo… yeah.

11. Coffee

And, as the next Redditor to reply put it:

12. Axe Body Spray

That’s… actually putting it quite mildly, all things considered.

13. Reddit

A word of advice: Never, ever start reading Reddit from your phone in bed right before you go to sleep. Because you will not sleep. You will just keep Redditing, and Redditing, and Redditing, and the next thing you know, it will be time to wake up and go to work. And then you will be sad.

14. Virgin

Virgin Galactic, anyone?

15. One Size Fits All

Follow this formula and you can’t go wrong!

Images: captcreate/Flickr; Giphy (4)