11 Super Sexy Winter Lingerie Looks... Provided You Think Long Johns and Union Suits Are Sexy

Baby, it's cold outside, and you know what that means — time to curl up by the fire with your lover while wearing the silkiest of nighties, skimpiest of thongs, and flirtiest of stockings... *** record skip*** JUST KIDDING! It's far too freaking freezing for that nonsense. You've tried space heaters, warm blankets, fireside cuddling, and slathering that gross warming lube all over your body, and you still can't get psyched about getting naked when there are sub-zero temps outside. We're coming to the rescue with the 11 sexiest — er, did I say sexiest? I meant most ridiculous bedtime winter wear on the market. Bonus: With trap doors and snap-button crotches, you can get warm and get laid at the same time.

The "Come Hither, Maybe, I Don't Really Care" Footed Pajama

Hoodie Footie Garnet, $80, Pajamagram

Ooh la la! Never before has a pair of footed pajamas so elegantly skirted the line between “sexy mama” and “I have utterly given up on life.” This set of jammies will drive your lover wild, especially once they notice the delicate contrast between the soft velour finish of the pajamas and the hard crust of Oreo crumbs that you have ground into them.

The "Funky Monkey" Footed Pajama

Paul Frank Onesie, Macy's

Get ready to take your winter sex life to a whole new level when you bust out this hot number! Tap into your partner’s deepest sexual fantasies in this outfit, as they frantically search their imagination for ways to pretend that they are not having sex with a grown woman in monkey pajamas.

The "Double Trouble" Footed Pajama Set

Footed Pajama Set, $45, Pajama City

What are these two up to? Wouldn’t you like to know! No, actually, you wouldn’t like to know. Don’t ever, ever ask what these two are up to. In fact, you might wanna skip town for a bit — nothing major, just maybe stay in a motel over in Columbus or something for a few days — until whatever these two are up to blows over.

The "Mary-Kate" Onesie

Classic Union Suit in Stripe, $70, J.Crew

Looking for a sexy onesie that provides warmth and coverage, while also never letting anyone forget that you’re a fashion-forward former child star who is engaged to some old important-ish French guy? Well, we’ve finally found the onesie created especially for your needs.

The "Super Stripe" Onesie

Union Suit, $70, J.Crew

Where’s Waldo? That’s right — he’s in your vagina!

The "Rough Rider" Footed Pajama

Skulls Drop Seat Footed Pajamas, $40, Pajama City

With this ultra tough skull-print onesie, you’re ready to stay warm AND have wild, uninhibited winter sex with someone who acted as an extra on Sons of Anarchy (or, barring that, one of Avril Lavigne’s roadies).

The "Party in the Front, Christmas in the Back" Onesie

Ooooh, kinky!

Image: CWD Kids

The "1996" Onesie

Union Suit in Stripe, $32, J.Crew Factory

Looking for the perfect onesie to wear while you have winter sex with Johnny Depp in the alley behind the Chateau Marmont? Well, then, consider your prayers answered! It’s also perfect for a winter quickie with some dude who claims to have been a member of Better Than Ezra, but honestly, would you even know if he was telling the truth?

The "I Don't Think You're Ready for This Deer-y" Onesie

Pink Camo Flapjacks Onesie ,$46, Silverhooks

Listen: I don’t know what you and your partner are into, and I think I’m probably happier that way. It’s not my job to judge. It’s simply my job to let you know that there is a onesie out there with a deer on the butt flap, and if that’s what you guys need in order to stay together this winter, well, there here is. Don’t thank me. I’m serious, don’t thank me, I really don’t want to know.

The "Make a Statement" Footed Pajama

Grey’s Anatomy Footed Pajamas, $50, Cafe Press

Sometimes, in long-term relationships, you don’t even need to say what you’re thinking — your partner can just intuit how you feel. But if you are not in that kind of relationship, you can buy this onesie, so that your partner can know that you have given them your body, but your mind and soul are still sorting through Meredith Grey’s personal problems.

The "Twice the Fun" Footed Pajama Set

Red Adult Footed Pajamas, $45, Pajama City

Why restrict your winter sex life to plain ol’ two person encounters? Why not make this the season when you finally check out some of that group sex you’ve always been so curious about? Pick up a few sets of these matching footed pajamas, invite some pals over, lay down some tarp, turn off the lights, and get ready to be enveloped into a welcoming sea of flannel (and some of that warming lube that you had left over from before).