I'm seriously waiting with baited breath until March 6th, the day when the new Tina Fey sitcom, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, debuts on Netflix. The series, starring perennially adorable Ellie Kemper, will tell the quirky tale of a single gal making it big in New York ... after escaping the cult she's been living in for 15 years. Not only is it a new twist on an old classic, but it gives me fond another Fey-created character in the big city: the one and only Liz Lemon, the original unbreakable star of 30 Rock.
Liz, who was played faithfully by Fey herself, and therefore would totally jump at the opportunity to take the New York transplant Kimmy under her wing. They'd braid each other's hair, she'd introduce her to cheesy blasters, it would be a dream. OK, I don't really anticipate this happening in the pilot, but seriously, I'm sure she would have plenty of advice for Kimmy on how to keep her cool. I mean, let's face it, some New York minutes make 15 year in a cult look like a walk in the park.
So as we wait patiently for the next Tina Fey masterpiece to hit our instant stream, here's eight lessons I think Liz Lemon could teach Kimmy (and all of us) about keeping out chin up in New York.
There's Definite Line Etiquette That You Must Abide By
We see this within the first two lines of the show, with the first two lines, "There's a line, buddy!" and "There's two lines!" Ha. But yeah, there's usually one line, and it's imperative that you stay in it and wait patiently. If you cut ahead at Chipotle, rest assured you will get bitched out by someone who has a strong sense of justice when it comes to ordering fast food.
Bring Your Game Face For the Holidays
Whether it's St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, or Ludachristmas, holidays are an American tradition and it's fair to assume that some cults are not really on board with that. Or, rather, they celebrate the birth of their alien overlord with a dance around a maypole followed by an orgy in the fields. Idk, everyone's different. In any case, New Yorkers especially like to go hard for the holidays, with parades, matching themed outfits, and of course, getting publicly drunk before noon.
Know and Live By The Wisdom of Jay-Z
Quoted to perfection above, obvi. Seriously, though, nobody loves New York more than that guy. Except maybe Taylor Swift. Honestly, get yourself some iTunes and go HAM on New York anthems.
Public Transportation is a Bitch
That's the high end train, forget about the myriad of diseases you'll catch from every day subway rides.
Pizza is Held in the Highest Reverence
There is NOTHING like New York pizza. You can pay a dollar for a gigantic slice in like, the dingiest of LES stands, and it'll still be the most amazing thing you've ever eaten.
A Crazy Persona Will Not, I Repeat NOT Get You Out of Jury Duty in the City
Dressing up as Princess Leia won't get you out of jury duty in New York, so likewise a cutesy "I just escaped from a cult!" probably won't mean shit. If possible, register to vote outside the state, where an insanity plea means something.
Be Prepared for the Worst Life Has to Offer You
It's New York! It doesn't wait for you! Even if you're the head writer of a successful NBC show, you're still likely to deal with nonsensical bullshit on the regular. Honestly Liz's job was like 50 percent baby-sitting Tracy, 40 percent baby-sitting Jenna, and 10 percent writing.
In Trying Times, Rely on the Strength and Guidance of Oprah
If Liz Lemon doesn't work as an inspiration (and fairly, she's cursed with the neurosis of every single woman in the city) then certainly Oprah should help save the day. Sadly her show is off the air, but she lives on newsstands and the Internet alike. And if you think you run into her by chance, just make sure it's, you know, actually Oprah and not some wise-beyond-her-years middle schooler. I understand that living away from mainstream society can make things a little confusing, so I say that with love.
Image: NBC, Giphy (8)