You've worked hard to discover what your true personality is. You've looked into discovering the secrets of your inner soul by examining what your favorite pet, hair styles, sex positions, breakfast foods, TV shows, TV moms, car color, pizza topping, and Teen Wolf character says about you. But have you ever considered what your tooth brushing style might say about you?
Luckily, through months of work at the personality research laboratories located miles below Bustle HQ, I have developed a revolutionary new system for determining every single aspect of your personality. A startling new system that would help you understand the reasoning behind every choice you'd ever made, see the factors motivating your every mistake, and finally, set you on the path to truly enlightened self-knowledge. Unfortunately, our legal team had a few problems with the part of the quiz where you'd have to give my your bank routing number, WHICH I STILL THINK IS THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR INNER LIFE ON A DEEPER LEVEL, but fine.
In the absence of my mind-blowing technology, let's look at the next best way to draw broad generalizations about your personality and lifestyle: through the way that you brush your teeth.
The Speed Demon
Identifying Characteristics: You are looking to get this "brush in mouth" business over with as quickly as possible. So what if you miss a few teeth and are just kind of frenziedly poking yourself in the cheek with your toothbrush? You have things to do!
What It Says About You: You may be so cerebral that you want to get anything that has to do with your physical self finished immediately, so you can go back to reading Heidegger or playing Remeption or whatever. Alternately, you may have a wildly low tolerance for boredom, and, let's be real — brushing your teeth is boring as hell (it even lacks the vaguely surgical allure of flossing).
This urge to get in, get out, and get it over with extends to all corners of your life: you're typically the one to initiate break-ups as soon as the seams start showing in your relationship; you have no emotional qualms about looking for a new job the second your boss starts taking you for granted; and you once tried to pay your sister $100 to get out of watching your niece's school chorus recital (she said no, but during the 10th rendition of "Let It Go," you could tell that she was beginning to see your point of view).
Identifying Characteristics: You've methodically brushed for the allotted two minutes, making sure to get each tooth surface equally clean, followed by a nice, thorough flossing. I think you'll find that everything's quite in order, officer!
What It Says About You: Having some control over the small things in life gives you a sense of security in our utterly deranged universe. The seas may be warming, the bees may be dying, and they may be turning your favorite mom-and-pop store into a luxury high-rise condominium for oil barons to use as a tax shelter, but goddamn it, you're in charge of your mouth and you're going to keep things from going to hell in there.
You think people who shower every other day belong in the same circle of hell as meth dealers and Charlie Sheen. When it comes to dating, you do everything you can to accommodate your partner and make things work — unless they start de-alphabetizing your bookshelf. Then, all bets are off.
The Seth Rogan
Identifying Characteristics: You end up brushing the same tooth five times in a row because you suddenly got distracted by thinking about Marmaduke, or the time Lance Bass was supposed to go into space, or all the lyrics to "Rock Me Amadeus." "Amaeeeush, Amaeeeush," you gurgle through a mouth of froth as you rinse. You've only actually brushed half of your teeth.
What It Says About You: You're a free-wheeling whirlwind of ideas, most of them about pot and TV shows that you liked as a kid. But when it comes to the basics of day-to-day life, like making sure that your rent gets paid or your body is cared for, you're not exactly a dynamo. You might get hit by a bus because you were distractedly trying to remember the name of that TV show about Smurfs who lived underwater, but damn if you aren't fun at parties (it was The Snorks, p.s.).
Identifying Characteristics: Your toothpaste is flavored like something delicious, like fennel, or diamonds. You brush with warm water, so that your teeth won't feel a moment of shock as your rinse. You would rather eat tile grout than use one of those spinning electric toothbrushes. Your toothbrush bristles are made of something soft that could conceivably be woven into some pretty comfortable pants.
What It Says About You: You like to feel good and comfortable, above everything else — and, ironically, your devotion to feeling good has turned this annoying yet important daily chore into yet another way to feel good. You're both admirable and infuriating to everyone that you know. You're either really, really good at sex, or absolutely awful at it, and there's no way for anyone to tell until it's way too late.
The Human Latte
Identifying Characteristics: You like to get a real thick, Cujo-style toothpaste foam going out the corners of your mouth. Extra points if it makes it to your chin.
What It Says About You: You take a child-like joy in small moments of creative expression, oral hygiene-related or otherwise. You may still be using the kids' toothpaste with the sparkles in it, and you know what? We don't hold it against you. In fact, we envy you. You're like Pee-Wee Herman, without that public nudity arrest.
You're the kind of partner who's into charming your love with spontaneity — spur-of-the-moment road trips! Impromptu picnics! — but check yourself on the grand romantic gestures sometimes. Some of those 10 Things I Hate About You moves definitely come with a $500 fine.
Identifying Characteristics: You brush your teeth in the shower, possibly while simultaneously washing your face, deep-conditioning your hair, and taking a business call with the board in Geneva.
What It Says About You: You don't have time to just stand around in front of a sink, lollygagging! You have a million things to get done today, and if you don't do nine of them at a time, money will be lost, empires will crumble, and everyone is going to find out what Fitz did. When it comes to sex, you're uninhibited — after all, you have a lot of stress to burn off — but afterwards, it's time to cuddle up to your true love: your iPhone.
The Real Grown-Up
Identifying Characteristics: You brush everything thoroughly, including your tongue. Yes, I know, we were all taught to do that, but you are one of nine Americans to actually brush your tongue. That's like the oral hygiene equivalent of scheduling monthly checks for your smoke detector. You even own a waterpik.
What It Says About You: You are on to some next-level adult shit. Would you help me out with my taxes? I'm trying to figure out how to deduct my Netflix subscription. And like the next-level adult that you are, you're into next-level adult relationship stuff: having frank discussions about expectations, reliably supporting your partner through their ups and downs, and trying out sexual positions that you read about in a book that had a photo of a damp rose on the front cover.
Images: FOX; Giphy