Winter is no longer coming, you guys — winter is here. Chattering teeth are a totally normal thing once you step outside now, wind chill leaves you breathless in the least romantic way possible, and the floor right inside your front door is always damp and dirty. This sucks a bag of licorice, and we are still several months away from it being over. We have to be all kinds of aware of things like black ice, freezing rain, and oncoming snowballs thrown by punk kids. Not even a cozy cinnamon latte can save us from this misery.
And if you're a person with bad circulation? Psh, forget it. This is your hell. No, actually this is hell plus nightmares about hatching spider eggs plus Teletubbies playing on a constant loop. You are already cold all the time in summer, and now you really have no chance of ever experiencing warmth until this dreadful season melts away. You might as well wear your mittens at all times and ingest only piping hot food. I mean, sure, there are tons of things in life that are THE WORST, and I've listed them below, but they are still nowhere near as awful as being cold all the time, or winter in general.
1. Having to call your cable/Internet provider for any reason
You will have to push a bunch of numbers, repeat yourself multiple times, wait at least 10 minutes while listening to crackly hold music, and you probably won't get what you want. But you can always make this call from under an electric blanket.
2. Getting a flat tire
It never happens when you're just going for a leisurely drive. It happens when you're on the way to something you can't be late for, and a flat tire will absolutely make you late. But this probably doesn't happen that often, whereas winter lasts for about six months out of the year, depending on where you live.
3. Eating an expired dairy product by mistake
Even if it goes down smoothly and you feel OK after eating, there's still that looming fear that at any moment your body could freak out and give you explosive diarrhea. Scary, yes, but nowhere near as scary as driving on wintery roads on bald tires with a crappy car heater.
4. When Twitter/Instagram crashes
With a billion active members, shouldn't they have backup servers for their backup servers? This should just never happen. But even when it does, it lasts maybe 15 minutes, tops. Not constantly from November to April.
5. Waiting in line at a bar
And seeing all the orange, plastic babes walk right on in. Like, WTF? And then I'm supposed to pay a cover charge? Netflix would never treat you this way. And this is avoidable. Winter is not.
6. Doing your taxes...
Welcome to the least fun day of the year. Luckily, there are tons of food companies that try to make it fun with free drinks and other incentives. Where's my winter-long Chipotle discount, guys? We should all get free chips and salsa until spring returns.
7. ... and having to pay taxes
Oh great, and now you to pay money that you don't have. Awesome. If Tax Day took place during winter, I feel like we'd all be so irritated and fed up that taxes just would not get paid.
8. Getting the wrong food order at a restaurant
For the non-confrontational folk, this is a horrid moment of internal panic. Is it worth mentioning? Or are you just going to get a replacement dish drizzled in spit?
9. Going from hungry to hangry without any food in sight
Because if anyone says the wrong thing before you locate something to nosh, you will lose it. And you hangry is nothing compared to you hangry AND cold.
10. Losing your sense of taste while having a cold
But you try to wake your tastebuds up anyway by eating your favorite, most flavorful snacks, only to be left feeling disappointed and sad. And since it's winter, you can expect at least two more colds in the coming months.
11. Realizing there's a hole in your tights after you've left the house
"SON OF A MOTHERF*CKER ##)*#@))_+@)*%_)#(%_)!!!!!!" you say once you look down and notice. And if this happens in winter, you'll have to go bare-legged in 20-degree weather. Blue legs never look cute, you guys.
12. Stepping in poop
Even after you manually scrape and clean the feces out of the tread on the bottom of your shoes, you can still smell it and you wonder if you missed a spot. Much like the lingering concern of whether or not this snow will ever stop falling.
13. The five minutes right after you watch the series finale of your favorite show
Because.... now what? It's still winter, and now you have nothing.
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