Russell Brand Texted Katy Perry He Wanted a Divorce. But What Did He Say?

In the latest issue of Vogue, Katy Perry revealed that Russell Brand asked for a divorce... via text... on New Year's Eve in 2011 after 14 months of marriage. We're assuming he was, as Charlie Sheen might say, guzzling the douche agua. However, the bold move demands the question: How he do it? Here are five ways we imagine it might have gone down:

Given that there's no way nice way to tell someone you're done being married to them via text, we hope that Perry kept her response simple and told him to go smoke a Jeffrey. Take that, Brand!