Sometimes I hear about a movie coming out and briefly wonder how it ever got made, like with Transformers 4 (I know it's the money, but still...) or The Bounty Hunter (really, Aniston?) But sometimes, I hear about a new movie that seems so implausibly bad that I can't stop thinking about its existence, wondering who in their right mind decided that greenlighting it was a solid idea. Such is the case for Mortdecai , a "film" (I use that word lightly) with a trailer, plot, and reviews so horrible that I am convinced the only reason it was made is because Johnny Depp was told it was really a sequel to Rango.
Unfortunately, as anyone who's seen the mustachioed posters is all too aware, Mortdecai is very much a real movie. It has actual actors (why, Gwyneth, why?), a lone star on Rotten Tomatoes, and even a series of books that inspired its creation. Yet even on the unlikely chance I go and see the movie, I still don't think I'll be convinced it's real — or, for that matter, will I ever stop doubting the existences of these nine other "actual" movies, ones with plots so ridiculous they have to be fake:
To be fair, I know nothing about Jupiter aside from its poster, but the fact that it looks like an ad for one of those fake, celebrity-cameo filled movies watched by movie characters within real movies is all the information I need to determine that this film simply cannot be real. I mean, the Photoshop! The planets! The fact that it's called a "space opera!" Wachowskis siblings, you have two weeks to convince me that your movie is not a joke, and no, the Wikipedia description calling it a film about "Jupiter Jones, a down-on-her-luck janitor" is not helping your cause.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
"Hey, so I have this idea for a movie about a mall security guard, who's Kevin James, who loves riding his Segway and like, nachos, and there's this robbery, and he marries the teacher from Glee.... guys? I was kidding. Please don't write that down." is the way I imagine this pitch having gone.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
All About Steve
In case you are unaware (which I truly hope you are), All About Steve is a movie starring Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper, in which Bullock plays an uncomfortably awkward woman who may or may not have real social issues, who, after a terrible date, stalks an uninterested guy to his work site and proceeds to fall into a hole. Literally. I am very confused about how this movie got made, but not as much as I am about why Bullock and Cooper agreed to star — and apparently, they have no idea, either.
Two black male FBI agents cover themselves in makeup to pose as the white female socialites they're assigned to protect — and pass— yet the only thing people have a problem with in this movie is that "A Thousand Miles" didn't become a bigger song. And to think there wasn't a sequel.
And speaking of passing as someone else... Face/Off, a John Travolta-Nicolas Cage thriller from 1997, takes the "identity switch" theme to such ridiculous extents that I have no idea how it ever got past a pitch. Just check out the IMDB summary: "An FBI agent undergoes a face-transplant surgery and assumes the identity of a ruthless terrorist. But the plan backfires when the same criminal impersonates the cop with the same method." I mean, COME ON.
Snakes on a Plane
"There are snakes, and they're on the plane, and, uh, I haven't really thought out anything else yet, but that should probably be enough, right?"
Jack and Jill
Practically any Adam Sandler movie could fit on this list, but there's just something about Jack and Jill that makes its ridiculous-ness stand out from the pack. Is it the double whammy of Sandler, in both male and female form? Is it the fact Al Pacino actually agreed to play himself in a role involving having a crush on one of the Sandlers? Is it the 10 Razzies the movie eventually won, breaking all previously held records? Beats me.
The Parent Trap
Look, I love The Parent Trap as much as the next '90s girl. But if you're telling me that not one studio executive had a problem with the idea of twin girls separated as babies (!) with no knowledge of each other's existence (!) randomly meeting at the summer camp their parents both happened to send them to (!) and switching places without either of the parents figuring it out (!), then, well... actually, I'm not surprised. Same goes for Mrs. Doubtfire.Image: Lionsgate; Warner Bros; Columbia (3); 20th Century Fox; Paramount; New Line; Buena Vista