9 Stages Of Your Super Bowl Hangover, Because Regardless Of Who Wins Or Loses, Monday Is Going To Be A Struggle
Why, just WHY is Monday after the Super Bowl not a nationally recognized holiday where all offices are closed? I don't understand. It has to be the least productive business day of the year where everyone goes to work either still drunk or nursing a massive hangover. People should not be driving. People should not be making important decisions. People should not be expected to hop onto conference calls and actually speak coherent English. This is America, and whether or not you're a fan of football, you are probably drinking and eating way too much during the Super Bowl.
At the time, it all seems like such a good idea. There are themed snacks, all covered in melted cheese. There are more beers than you know what to do with, and you're refilling the fridge as more cans become emptied and crushed. There's so much passion and enthusiasm emanating from those around you that you're easily convinced to put everything bad into your body. And you think you'll have plenty of time for it to leave your system before Monday morning hits, but you definitely do not. There's no way you won't be completely, disgustingly hungover on Monday morning, and here are all the stages you will experience.
1. The false freedom
This is the feeling you get when you wake up before the booze totally wears off and you actually feel OK. You are pleasantly surprised and actually have some energy. Don't believe it. This is your body lying its little burning pants off and making you think that this day will turn out somewhat fine. It will not.
2. The slowly approaching migraine monster
The dehydration sets in, and then comes the headache. This will make you sensitive to bright lights, loud noises, and anything or anyone even remotely irritating is in danger of getting punched in the face. This headache will make you want to crawl right back into bed.
3. The sugar/salt shakes
Your blood hates you right now, because of whatever you chose to consume the day before. Because there's no way it involved exclusively healthy food and non-alcoholic beverages. You will feel shaky, and you will question whether or not you're close to death.
4. The pre-puke toilet trips
You feel it rising in your throat, but it might not eject itself from your system on the first trip to the bathroom. You will have false alarms, making you consider forcing it out via sticking your finger down your throat, but you probably won't be able to do it. So it'll be obvious to everyone at work what's happening, because they will walk into the office bathroom and see you lying down in a stall.
5. The zombie walk
Once the vomit stage is completed and over, you will feel better, but still woozy. Any food you had in your body is gone, so now you're just a weakened vessel of shame. You will shuffle back to your seat like a corpse with a SERIOUS case of the Mondays.
6. The tongue turtleneck
That's exactly how it'll feel — like your tongue is wearing a sweater that you can't angrily take off. Drink water. Drink all the water.
7. The incoherent slur
At the peak of your misery, you will not be able to speak like an adult human. It'll come out in exhausted groans with only two words at a time.
8. The craving for cow
Once your stomach is settled, you'll want a lot of the food you ate the day before. Any kind of salted meat or cheeseburger with a side of greased up carbs will be your only edible answer today.
9. The foggy finish line
The food will help, but there will be a cloud of sleepiness hovering above your head until you can crash under the covers and wake up on Tuesday. Tuesday will be a brand new day.