7 Celebrity Sex Tape Moments That Teach Us Valuable Dating & Relationship Lessons

If you've ever watched a celebrity sex tape, you've probably lost count of how many deal-breaking things are said and done in those famous bedrooms. Colin Farrell maybe forgets to put on a condom. Ray J answers his phone as he's having sex with Kim Kardashian. Screech's sex tape is basically a PSA for who never to allow near your pelvic area. Even if these moments left us appalled and/or wanting to vom, the worst celebrity sex tapes can teach us who not to date and/or associate with sexually. That's a good thing.

Because we can all learn from each others' mistakes, here are seven lessons that celebrity sex tapes can teach us about who not to date. You're welcome, from the person who saved your search history the burden of this research.

Choose Someone Who Speaks To You Like The Dignified Creature You Are

At the beginning of 1 Night in Paris, Paris Hilton primps in her powder room for a night out that was probably never intended to happen in the first place. Her skeez boyfriend Rick Salomon breaks down the door and suggests alternative plans: “We can’t just stay at home, and you suck my cock?” At the initial suggestion, she exclaims “EW!” and tells him not to talk to her like an animal. But ultimately, they stick to his plan. All in all, she’s sorta letting him get away with treating her like a breathing blow up doll. Don’t reward him for such behavior, Paris!

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Date Someone Who Can Respect Boundaries

For that matter, try to avoid dating someone who walks into your bathroom, camera in hand, ready for a sex tape as Rick Salomon does in 1 Night in Paris. This person may not know the definition of personal space.


ALWAYS Use Protection

This one’s a no-brainer, but apparently Colin Farrell violated the cardinal rule of safe sex: he neglected to wrap it before he tapped it. According to a review on Staked in the Heart of Farrell’s love-making video with playmate Nicole Narain, the actor doesn’t wear a condom. It’s one thing if you’re in a relationship with someone and have knowledge of their STI history, but zero protection is a HUGELY BAD IDEA pretty much always. Be responsible, Colin!!


Someone Overly Talkative Is A Bad Idea

There are plenty of horrific things that happen in Screech, erm, I mean, Dustin Diamond’s libido-killing sex tape Dirty Sanchez, but Dustin’s running commentary is one of the choice horrors. Some of his more memorable quotes are: “Where’s the beef,” “Go to work,” “Take the beast out,” and “Now we’re talking.” Dirty talk is one thing, but sound bites should preferably not be ripped from the dialogue of ’80s sitcoms.

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Never Trust The Overzealous BJ Comments

Always be wary of a man who only says nice things to you mid-fellatio. In his sex tape Farrell does the cringeworthy thing where he tells his sex partner Nicole Narain “You’re so fucking beautiful” as she gives him what Staked in the Heart reports is a rather unpleasant-looking pubic-hair-infested blow job. If someone only notices your beauty when you’re on your knees with a wiener stuck down your throat, he may not be best dude to wife up.


Answering The Phone During Sex Is A Horrible Sign

It’s common knowledge (at least to those of us who are unhealthily obsessed with celebrities) that Paris Hilton answers a phone call halfway through banging her slimeball boyfriend, and apparently Ray J does it too. Staked in the Heart says that Ray J answers he and Kim Kardashian’s hotel phone right in the middle of their sexing. Lesson: if someone answers their phone mid-coitus, they probably think they could be doing better things than banging you.


Choose Someone Who Respects You In Bed

Welp, this one is essentially a no-brainer, but find someone who wants to respect you in bed. (If you’re exploring a kink, obviously consent and respect are the foundation of that, too.) Something about getting poop involved doesn’t scream respect. The grossest moment of Dirty

Sanchez is when Diamond performs the titular act, inserting his fingers into his sex partner’s butt and wipes it on her face. I can’t confirm how she actually felt about it, but if the still from Staked in the Heart says anything, she was likely so surprised and disgusted (link NSFW, obviously) that she had no clue how to react. Not a feeling you want when in bed with someone.

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