There are a lot of really fabulous Valentine's Day gifts one could give to one's friends and loved ones: Bouquets made of upcycled book pages... cooking classes for two... jewelry with important coordinates etched onto the surface... I could go on. But it's also come to my attention that there are a lot of incredibly weird Valentine's Day gifts out there, too. Answer me this: Would you really want to give or receive a cockroach as a V Day gift? Think hard before answering. And be honest. The fate of Valentine's Day depends on it.
(Well, not really, but whatever.)
Not that there isn't an audience for off-the-wall gifts; everyone has their own thing, and if you really do dig the idea of giving or getting a hissing cockroach, then by all means, go forth and do it. Still, though; I can't help but think that some of these offerings might appeal to a more niche group of consumers than others.
But hey, at least they're still kind of fun to look at it. The world is a crazy, nutty place, and sometimes we're all in need of a good dose of weirdness. Would you consider gifting any of these options this year?
OK, no, I do not recommend gifting anyone an actual cockroach, no matter how much you dislike them. However, you can adopt one in the name of your most hated enemy, courtesy of the San Francisco Zoo’s Adopt-a-Cockroach program. They’re currently running a Valentine’s Day special for the low, low price of $25; as they put it themselves, “Nothing says ‘I’ve moved on’ like adopting a giant cuddly cockroach in the name of your favorite ex.” Oh, and if cockroaches don’t do it for you, there’s an option for scorpions, too. Just, y’know… FYI.
Adopt-a-Cockroach or Adopt-a-Scorpion, $25, San Francisco Zoo
Belgian Chocolate Buttholes
Jezebel gets the credit for bringing this one to the fore. To be honest, I… really don’t know what to do with the knowledge that these things actually exist. I am literally dumbstruck.
Edible Anus (five boxes), $38.95, edibleanus.com
Two-Person Heart Mitten
In theory, a huge mitten that has room enough for two people’s hands is adorable. In reality, it is horribly, horribly impractical. But hey, one person’s dross is another’s gold, so if you can figure out a way to make this thing work, more power to you.
Red Heart Mitten, $18, Etsy
This Glorious Lunch Box
But if you really want to take it to the next level, you also have to include…
Organ Transplant Lunch Box, $12.99, Think Geek
A Gelatin Heart
…An edible, anatomically correct representation of a human heart. Because the message is that your beloved stole your heart, right?
Heart Gelatin Plastic Mold, $7.05, Amazon
There’s edible underwear… and then there’s this. You can DIY it if you’re feeling creative, or you can shell out a hefty sum for a pre-made, bedazzled pair; it’s your call which you spring for. While we’re on the subject, to anyone who has ever actually worn Brief Jerky, I have to ask: Doesn’t it… y’know… chafe?
Brief Jerky Underwear, $139, Etsy
Underwear with Your Face on Them
Or, if that’s not wacky enough for you, you could also go with…
M-Y Fronts, $25.79, Firebox
Condoms with Your Face on Them
…Yeah. That. Alternatively, you could put the recipient’s face on them. Nothing says “I love you” like… well, I was going to go with “responsible sex,” but then my brain started wandering off in all sorts of other directions which would probably best be left unexplored.
MyFace Condoms (50 pack), $49.50, RipnRoll.com