How To Lose An "Invisible Boyfriend" In 200 Texts

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Contrary to what our coupled up friends think, a lot of us single people have no problem kicking ass in life sans ball-and-chain. We’re perfectly happy living hopelessly fulfilled lives all by our solo. Sure, after a certain age, questions and mild concern about our single status start to come up more frequently with our family and friends. As a perpetually single person, I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever felt even the slightest bit tempted to invent a romantic partner for the sake of putting on a front to the people in my life. (That is, save for the purposes of the occasional dude deflection at a bar or party, in which case, I won’t hesitate to make up a fake boyfriend pronto. It’s a horrible but effective reflex which I fight because why is the prospect of another man seemingly the only effective way out of such a cornering? I digress.)

Despite the wild abandon of sane rationale, for all you ladies who have ever felt pressured to manufacture a boyfriend to please family, coworkers, or other people in your life who really shouldn't have a say in the matter, the Invisible Boyfriend app exists. Hope, in the form of a professionally-generated, fake boyfriend.

I mess with dudes on Tinder all the time (an admittedly horrible habit that I'm trying to quit). It’s fun to push and push and push and find the floor on their capacity to accommodate crazy. How many more lizard Emojis until he unmatches me? (It’s really no wonder how I manage to stay single.) How would an actual human paid to respond well, respond? There had to be a floor there, too. And I was going to find it.

Signing up means you have to create your own profile. That’s when I actually cobbled some hope—the personal gender options totaled to over 40. I thought, Holy progression, Batman! Maybe this is actually legit! But then I just chose “female” and continued. You get to craft your boyfriend through a few simple steps. You select a photo (“of a real person!” the site is sure to clarify), name your boyfriend, select an “identity,” and draft up a meeting story. The first name had the capacity to hold 30 characters, so I Googled extra long male names. After a not-so-careful name-selection process, "Aurelius Walker The Teacher I Met At A Party" and I started texting.

Here is the truly unsavory account of how I attempted to get his fake ass to dump my crazy one.

Image: Guian Bolisay/Flickr

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