If you're a woman who was born in the early '90s, chances are you owned some Bonne Bell Lip Smackers at one point in time. My first one was a layer cake flavored gloss that was arranged in pink, white, and green stripes like an actual layer cake. It went on pretty sheer, but that didn't matter because I usually licked it off my lips within seconds of applying a coat. I still remember exactly what the gloss smelled and tasted like, and one of the greatest tragedies of my life occurred when I dropped it during one of my "apply and lick" sessions and the tube rolled under the TV stand in my room, never to be seen again... Until ten years later when the TV stand was removed from my room and the Smacker was found entombed in a pile of dust.
Mirroring my own personal tale of Lip Smackers loved and lost, the brand that started it all, Bonne Bell, is closing its doors. While the beloved products will hopefully live on in a different capacity, having been purchased by Markwins International, one thing is certain — Lip Smackers as we knew them are a thing of the past!
This is sad news, yes, but let's make the best of it, shall we? Here's my definitive ranking of 13 Bonne Bell Lip Smackers flavors from least lickable to most lickable.
13. Root Beer Float
This is what you buy when the drugstore is sold out of the Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker.
I'm sure this is fine, but does it makes your lips tingle the way Burt's Bees does? Doubtful.
11. Cotton Candy
I might make a few enemies here, but cotton candy flavored anything is gross because cotton candy is gross. Case closed.
Cherry is another one of those flavors that is everywhere. It's just not interesting enough to be the best, plus it will forever remind me of Halls cough drops.
I have nothing against mango, but it's an odd choice for a flavored lip balm. I tend to think Smackers are at their best when they're emulating sugary candies and soft drinks, not succulent fruits.
8. Ice Cream Cake
I'm a real advocate for ice cream cake IRL, but this? No.
Simple. Goes with anything. Boring as hell.
Everybody knows that watermelon candy is better than actual watermelon (and hey, no seeds!). This is like watermelon candy without any of the sugar.
5. Bubble Gum
Absolutely delightful! All the joyful tastes and smells of gum, plus it won't give you lockjaw or get you kicked out of homeroom for chewing too loudly.
4. Dr. Pepper
To be honest, this was never my fave, but it's a cult classic and waaaay better than actual soda, IMO.
Yeah, I know what I said before about fruit flavors, but this one is a true classic.
2. Cookie Dough
All the joys of eating raw cookie dough from the Pillsbury slice-and-bake tube, and none of the salmonella!
1. Birthday Cake
You should've seen this one coming based on my opening anecdote. I felt like a genius when I discovered this stuff! Finally, a way to feel like I was constantly eating cake without, well, constantly eating cake.
Thank you, Lip Smackers, for all you've given us! Let's hope the next chapter yields as many delicious flavors for us to gleefully lick off our lips.
Images: lipsmackerbrand/Instagram, Lip Smacker(12)