16 Unnecessarily Weird Valentine's Day Gifts That Actually Exist On Etsy, Although We Aren't Sure Why — PHOTOS

As much as I love Valentine’s Day, I am aware that it has been commercialized to the point where even Hallmark stands back in horror at the giant, flaming mess they have created. And while we’re all waiting for their apology, we’re also scrambling to find gifts for our significant others, our besties, and our moms (our first and truest Valentines). It’s hard to be original these days because anything you can think of has already been done and/or put into an adorable YouTube video with a hundred zillion views, but with these weird Valentine’s day gifts you can stay a notch ahead of your peers by wowing them with something I promise they have never seen before.

When I say "weird", I don’t just mean “funny” or “offbeat” — I mean weird. I mean the kind of stuff that Orin and April would give each other for Valentine’s Day on Parks and Recreation, in a terrible alternate universe where Andy Dwyer doesn’t exist to semi-steer her away from the darkness. But there’s no better way I can think of to say “take that, commercialism” than by giving your loved ones a giant pile of WTF this upcoming February 14th. So buckle your seatbelts, everybody. This is about to get freaky.

Valentine's Day Zombie Bear

With optional glitter! Which I’d probably leave off, because I wouldn’t want it to get weird or anything.

Etsy, $35

A Roll Of Toilet Paper

We’ve long since replaced words about our feelings with emoticons so really this was just an inevitability. But still – really, Tyler?

Etsy, $9.50

"Your Face" Card

Just in case you needed a card to match the last gift.

Etsy, $3.00

Matching Cups

You’ll never have to wonder what kind of cup it is with these super subtle gifts. But really, this just seems unnecessarily harsh for a coffee cup set.

Etsy, $24

Love Spell

The decidedly weirdest part about this is the fact that it costs $103, but according to Rumplestiltskin on Once Upon A Time, all magic comes with a price. Still, Tinder is probably way cheaper.

Etsy, $103

"Bite Your Head Off" Card

Nothing says true love quite like threatening you with an insect.

Etsy, $4.50

Kama Sutra Cookies

I’d say you could eat your feelings, but I’m pretty sure after this kind of fun you won’t have many left.

Etsy, $24

I Heart You Spoon

I’m putting this on here because I just don’t understand why you would so blatantly lie to someone you love.

Etsy, $16

"Heart On" Boxers

It’s so simultaneously cheesy and icky that it just doesn’t know what to be anymore. I’m so sorry, Mary.

Etsy, $15

"Bite Me" Panties

To match his...“heart on,” I guess. (NOT SORRY.)

Etsy, $20

Ninja Warrior Bunny

If your S.O. feels the need to gift you with a bunny to protect you from bad kinds of love, you might be in trouble, friend.

Etsy, $16

Future Ex Husband Necklace

The cheapest way to to get as bleak and real as possible this year.

Etsy, $15

A Framed Stink Bug

I don’t know what’s romantic about this, but it has been categorized under “Valentine’s Day Gifts for Men” and it’s probably secretly what they wanted all along, for the low, low price of half your paycheck.

Etsy, $49.99

Bag Of Dicks

Just in case the dick who gave these to you wasn’t enough.

Etsy, $28

Sexy Personalized Bookmark

Can’t wait to use it to reread all the Harry Potter books!!!!!

Etsy, $20

Unicorn Hoodie

The couple that robs banks dressed up as unicorns together, stays together.

Etsy, $25