The Face Blanket Is a Real Thing, But What on Earth Is It For?
If you've ever found yourself thinking, “Gee, you know what's missing from my life? A blanket that covers only my face and nothing else,” good news: Thanks to the Face Blanket, your wish has come true. I'm dead serious, by the way — the Face Blanket is actually a thing. You can buy it on Amazon for the low, low price of $9.99. I have but one question about it, and one question only: What on earth is it for?
I mean, ostensibly the Face Blanket is exactly what it says it is: It's a blanket for your face. Putting aside the fact that you could make one yourself by cutting a hole in a regular blanket, though, I'm perplexed as to why anyone would think this item needed to exist in the first place. The video on YouTube that functions as an advertisement does little to prove its necessity; indeed, the ad raises more questions than it answers. Who, for example, is that guy at the 30-second mark? He's nicely dressed, seated at a table covered with a table cloth and sipping a glass of wine. Then some mysterious pair of disembodied hands enter from the right hand side of the screen and drape a Face Blanket over his head. Why? What is the point? How is he going to continue to enjoy his wine with a blanket covering his face? I just… I don't get it. Do you? Here, watch it — maybe you can explain it to me:
...I've got nothin'. Is it just an elaborate piece of trolling? Is Ashton Kutcher going to leap out at any moment and tell us that we've all been Punk'd? Someone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
But perhaps we're being unfair to the Face Blanket. After all, it didn't ask to be created; now that it's here, maybe we'd better make the most of it. Here's a list of possible uses for this strange and unwanted misfit. Anyone have anything to add? I'm open to suggestions...
1. Horror Movie Villain Face Attire
Slasher flick villains like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees all seem to have a fondness for face coverings. Why? Not sure. Maybe Jason is ashamed of the fact that he's grown more and more monstrous over time (although Jason? I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. You've got bigger things to worry about than the state of your face). In any event, though, the Face Blanket seems like it's just waiting for a fictional serial killer to call its own. Maybe he can cover for Freddy Kreuger on his days off.
2. A Ski Mask for People Suffering from Claustrophobia
You've got the same all-over protection a regular ski mask affords, but with a little more breathability, thanks to the loose-fitting blanket
3. The Perfect Headpiece for Your Pac-Man Ghost Costume
Easiest. Halloween costume. EVER.
4. A Doll Poncho
Barbie will love it.
5. The Key Component of a Performance Art Piece
I imagine Tilda Swinton would be able to make some sort of magnificent statement about the human condition with the aid of a Face Blanket. It'll make for a great follow-up to her 2013 MoMa exhibit.
6. A Cat Toy
Everything is a cat toy if you try hard enough to make it one.
7. A Reverse Version of This:
It's called a “willy warmer.” Maybe the Face Blanket is really a “willy cooler.” Or an "everything but your willy warmer." I don't know. I'm really stretching here, but I suppose stranger things have happened.
Images: Giphy (6)