As much as people love to hate the Fifty Shades of Grey series, 10 million copies sold still is a pretty strong argument that there's something to all the hype — something that at least got most of us to read it.
Maybe it wasn't your cup of tea. Maybe you found the relationship between Christian and Ana to be sexist, offensive, and completely unrealistic. Or perhaps you loved the first book and inhaled the other two over the span of a weekend, leaving you in a sexy haze of confusion come Monday. And maybe you consider Ana to be a bold feminist who explores her own sexual desires freely and has complete control over each sexual encounter with her ability to drop the safe word at any moment.
The point is that either way, you did decide to read the book in the first place. Once again, 10 million copies sold. Most of the women on planet Earth have read Fifty Shades . And it's quite the exhausting experience. The average person will bounce around to every extreme emotional reaction and by the final page, will feel like a part of her soul was ripped out and vacuum-sealed into a tiny plastic bag. You'll wonder where your day went, because there's no way you were able to read it at a slow and steady pace over the course of two-three weeks. You definitely read it in just a few days. Here are the emotional stages of reading Fifty Shades of Grey, because by now, we've all been there.
There's no way this book is any good. Ten million copies sold? Pssh, whatevs. I bet I bail after the first chapter because it's that lame.
So what's Christian's deal? He's a rich dude with a sad and serious gaze, and that's hot somehow? I don't get what the big deal is. He seems like an overprivileged brat who wants to be seen as mysterious. Ew. This guy is not going to get me all hot and bothered.
OK, Ana. Get it together. This guy seems like a creeptastic nightmare. ABORT. Where's your self-love, girl? Surely you can see that he's dealing with major mommy issues, right? HOW can you be into that?
What's up with Christian's obsession with food? Why is he so fixated on how much Ana is eating? What's going on there? There needs to be a traumatic experience at the root of that. I wonder what happened to him...
5. Mild embarrassment
No, I'm not enjoying it. I just need to see how this encounter plays out. Like, just to the end of this page... or the end of the chapter. Shut up! I can close this book anytime I want.
Umm... So... Ahem. Christian's dirty talk is kinda hot.
Ugh, here Ana goes again referring to her "inner goddess." Seriously, Ana? Every time? And why is she letting Christian control her every move? The bad is outweighing the good here, sweetheart.
She just wants to save him. And she honestly thinks she can. Haven't we all been this girl? Most of the jerks whom we thought we could save were just taking advantage of everything we were so quick to offer. It isn't right. It isn't smart. It doesn't make sense. But in this moment of questioning whether or not she can be just what he needs to heal him, aren't we all Anastasia Steele, even just a little bit?
9. Extreme shame
What time is it? Did I eat lunch today? I can't believe I'm still reading this. F*ck, is that the door unlocking? I didn't think my roommate would be home this early! I uhhh, I need another book. Any book. I can't let her catch me reading this smutty mess.
These two people are destroying each other. So why am I still reading? Ugh, now I need a shower to rinse this book off me.
They both clearly love each other, despite their individual overflowing heaps of emotional garbage. Why are they playing these immature games? Aren't they grownups? And no, Ana, that's not what he meant! You're hearing what you want to hear now. Argh.
There are only a few pages left and it's becoming clear that once the back cover is closed, life will cease to have meaning. What now? Am I supposed to just return to my normal, hum-drum, dominating billionaire-free life? That sounds terrible.
You know what? Fine. I'm hooked and I don't even care. Time for book two. Let's do this.
Image: Donna/NBC: Parks and Rec; Giphy (14)