Beliebers have no doubt waited with baited breath for the moment that finally arrived with the stroke of midnight Oct. 6: the release of Justin Bieber's first single, "Heartbreaker," off his new and upcoming album. Now that "Heartbreaker" is here, though, the rest of the rational, non-beliebing world should start preparing ourselves for six months of groaning and switching radio stations to avoid what has turned out to be a thoroughly mediocre and meaningless single from (if we're being honest/snarky, which we usually are) a mediocre and meaningless pop star.
It isn't that "Heartbreaker" will make your ears bleed or offend your grandmother, it is that there is not a single iota of specialness present in the entire four-and-a half minutes of half-assed R&B that Bieber has confidently called a "music journal." If this is what his journal sounds like, then I can say with complete confidence that I have babysat children with more emotional complexity than the pop star. Lyrics like, "been thinking about you all day long/ hopin' you'll pick up your phone" don't sound like the innermost musings of a wildly successful young 20-something with a disregard for rules or propriety. Those lyrics sound like clichés vomited from the soulless and soft commercial R&B production line, and truth be told, we had the entirety of the '90s to digest that shit. Generic R&B is thoroughly tired and, at this point, irrelevant.
The most exciting thing about this single is that Bieber's balls seem to have dropped, if the lower timbre of his voice is anything to go by, and that is only exciting if you are the type of person who ever, ever wanted to think about Bieber's balls in the first place. The fact that the cover art looks like a preschool recreation of Kanye West's 808s and Heartbreaks record cover made with pixy sticks only adds to the overwhelming feeling that Bieber simply is not trying very hard. If "Heartbreaker" is any indicator, Bieber should consider putting more effort in as he moves forward.
