11 Books Like ’Fifty Shades Of Grey’ To Read Now That You’ve Read The Book And Seen The Movie… Well, Sort Of

Grey is the new vampires. You heard it here first. And you know why. Because when a genius author like E. L. James comes along the world changes. The same thing happened with Shakespeare. (Before him there were no bald spots. True story.) James blessed us with her trilogy, and then Hollywood gave us a film. And don't you dare call it a movie, because that belittles us both. We're talking about art here.

So now everything that is grey is sexy and cool. That is the rule and we all must obey. Snow piles that have been exposed to exhaust fumes a week too long: sexy and cool. Those stray strands of un-pigmented hair you pretend you're not counting: sexy and cool. Pigeons, cement, flatware: sexy and cool, sexy and cool, sexy and cool. I'm glad you see a pattern and that you're coming with me.

You need to be prepared for this sexy, cool literary trend. Did Hemingway write about grey stuff? No? Then forget him forever. The following books are all anyone will ever care about from now on:

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Dorian Gray was totally the first Grey. Don't worry that the "grey" is spelled differently. Think about the facts that both are spooky sexy and both have weird things in their closets. And they're both bad, bad, bad.

The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien

All I'm saying is that the world is waiting for some kinky fan fiction about Gandalf the Gray and his sexy hobbit friends. I have two words for you: Foot fetish.

Colorless Tsukuru and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami

This is the story of a man coming to terms with his grey(t)ness. It's not easy to do.

Gray by Pete Wentz and James Montgomery

Once again, the Fall Out Boy is killing it. I think he and James should date.

5. Gray’s Anatomy of the Human Body by Henry Gray, F.R.S.

Oh man, are tarsal glands sexy.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray, Ph.D

And both planets are naughty.

Fun with Dick and Jane and Friends by William S. Gray

Think of it as a prequel.

The Lord John Grey Series by Diana Gabaldon

Another Grey who, because of his unconventional sexual preferences, must be discrete. Do you, Lord Grey. Just do you.

Grey Mountain by John Grisham

John Grisham is like, "E.L, you think you're a big shot with your three books? I have a thousand. Literally a thousand."

The Little Red Lighthouse and the Great Gray Bridge by Hildegarde H. Swift

The story of an intimidating, powerful bridge who wants to do painful things to a lighthouse. I think I just took this joke too far — I feel dirty now.

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

Hercule Poirot relied on the little gray cells to do his murder-solving. But now we'll be referring to them as the Christian Grey cells. Someone tell Dame Agatha.

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