All kneel before the altar of Dionysus, the Greek god of wine, because February 18 is National Drink Wine Day! Which is obviously a holy day for a good majority of us. The thing is, if you’re a vino enthusiast, there are what seem like A LOT of National Drink Wine Days over the course of the year… I’m not good with numbers, but something like 365, if I had to venture a guess? The point is, wine — regardless of whether it’s red or white, bottled, boxed, or in a jug — is always there for us. It helps us celebrate the good times, and gets us through the bad times. And sometimes we’re neglectful and we leave wine in the fridge too long, and when we drink it in a desperate turn of events months later, it tastes like a moldy peach and ammonia, which is gross, BUT even in this disgusting example, wine is still there for us.
Wine is like a court jester — it only wants to serve you, make you laugh, keep your company merry — and it’s exceedingly good at its job. So for my ode to wine on this national holiday, I present to you these six reasons to raise your glass to our grape friend.
Oh, wine, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
1. Cuz wine keeps it classy
You're a modern lady; you wear jeans every day. You're not opposed to downing a few beers, mixed drinks, or shots of vodka, but there's something about the mere act of pouring wine (even boxed wine, which is weird) into stemware that unleashes your inner Ava Gardner, and before you know it, you're dressed like a lounge singer, slinging bawdy one-liners in your trademark sexy slow drawl. Wine classes everything up a notch, even letting your hair down — perfect for a sophisticated lady such as yourself.
2. Cuz wine = financial motivation
You know what costs money? Wine. To get the wine, you have to spend the money — and to get the money, you usually have to work. So essentially wine makes us better members of society. Or alternately, we are all hamsters on the wheel of life, running after the sweet nectar of wine like it's gonna save us. But the thing is, IT ACTUALLY DOES KINDA SAVE US. Because after a long day at the factory or in front of the computer, popping open a bottle of chardonnay (or cabernet sauvignon or whatever, you wine snob) to share with friends or family is exactly the kind of good time that makes all the hard work worth it.
3. Cuz sometimes people let you down
I'm not suggesting that people suck, I'm just saying that sometimes people let you down — you know, your husband cheats on you, or your beloved boss passes you over for a promotion, or the people in the apartment below you won't stop having sex, the standard stuff — and you have to stay resilient and let things go and get over things and move on and THAT SUCKS SOMETIMES and wine helps. That's all I'm saying... wine definitely helps.
4. Cuz wine keeps you young
Betty White is ninety-freaking-three years old and not only is she alive, but she looks goooooood. Do you want to display that same sort of youthful radiance when you're an elderly person? Hell yes, you do! Well, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: wine can help you with that... and on this point, science happens to agree.
5. Cuz haters gonna hate
Sure, you're fly, fabulous, and people bow down in your wake, but that's not going to stop the occasional friend, colleague, casual acquaintance, or member of the media from throwing shade. Why? Because the age-old adage is true: haters gonna hate, no matter what you do. So how do you handle the haters? Take a page from Hillary Rodham Clinton, patron saint of brushin' dirt off ya shoulders, and keep cool at all times — with the serenity prayer, basically: God grant me the serenity to handle my business like a boss bitch, let my haters be my motivators, and, when all else fails, tilt my pimp cup back and smile... or something like that.
6. Cuz DUH
Preach! NeNe Leakes does not play, and I think she speaks for all of us when she says, and I'm paraphrasing here: wine needs no reason. Wine was good enough for Jesus, it was good enough for Maya Angelou, and goddammit if it's not good enough for us today... and every day. Amen.
Images: Beth Dubber/FOX; Giphy (6)