This 29-Year-Old Wombat Is The Oldest And Biggest One Alive, And You Are In No Way Prepared For How Cute He Is — PHOTOS

Maybe 29-Year-Old Virgin packs less of an oomph than 40-Year-Old Virgin, but when the virgin in question is an enormous wombat, well...that's what we like to call a game-changer. Patrick, a common wombat who resides at Ballarat Wildlife Park in Australia, weighs in at an impressive 84 pounds. Just to give you a frame of reference, the typical common wombat weighs about 57 pounds, so...Patrick is a big boy, in addition to being a bit of an older one, too: He's 29, a whole nine years older than your average wombat raised in capacity. Patrick appears to be the stuff of our wildest Photoshop dreams (hey, we have been been fooled before, and with wombats, specifically), but Patrick is 100 percent real. He has roamed Ballarat since he was a mere babe, when the employees used to hand-feed him. Can you imagine? I need that job. Dear Bustle, I quit. Going to feed some wombats for the rest of my life, KBYYYYYYYE.

Needless to say, Patrick is a bit of a local celebrity. And now that fame seems to have expanded out to the rest of the world. He has his own Facebook page with over 20,000 fans (including me, sorrynotsorry). Oh, and about that whole virgin thing—that stems from a birthday wish made back in August when he turned 29. See Australia wrote, "This 29-year-old is the world's oldest living wombat. Given that Patrick has never had children, or any partners in general, probably makes him the oldest living wombat virgin as well! Congrats mate!" Yeah! Congrats! And here, have a gander at the dude:

One more:

Patrick, we need to cuddle. Now.

Images: Patrick the Wombat/Facebook (5)