Green beer looked so appetizing yesterday. Now, you feel like you resemble a green beer... green, bloated beer that can't get out of bed, and you need a cure for your St. Patrick's Day hangover ASAP if you want to resemble anything remotely close to a functioning human today. Unfortunately, St. Patrick's Day isn't always on a Friday or a Saturday, which are prime partying days — this year, it's on a Tuesday. Chances are, you'll have someplace to be on Wednesday, and you surely don't want to smell like the bar you just came out of hours earlier.
St. Patrick's Day is one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year, so chances are, you won't be the only person suffering in a cubicle. However, you're an adult. You don't want to come off as the type of person who can't hold her liquor, nor do you want to resemble anything other than the absolute professional you are. It's just a shame you forgot about, you know, being a working professional last night, after that third cranberry and vodka. All you focused on was being able to walk to the bathroom without stumbling, and making sure that creep at the end of the bar didn't get too sassy with your best friend (hey, at least you succeeded!). You shouldn't have any shame about what happened last night, but you should definitely try your hardest not to reflect that version of you around your boss.
Here are a few ways you can mask your hangover — at least, on the outside. You might still be feeling like puke on the inside.
1. Make sure you shower
Not only are showers the best way to wake up, but they'll help you feel like you're completely washing yesterday's mistakes down the drain. Make sure you actually scrub and shampoo your hair, even if you're really trying super hard to join the "no-poo" movement. Save that natural grease for another day.
Even if you're running late, a shower is a must. It's worth making an excuse over that isn't "hey, I'm super hungover and overslept!"
2. Find your eye drops of choice
A drop or two in each eye will help hide the redness after you fell asleep in your contact lenses. The eyes are definitely the windows to the soul, and if yours are shoddy and red, your soul will be like "what the heck happened last night? Hey everyone, look at me!"
3. Use perfume, but don't overdo it
Remember when you showered earlier? If your night was super crazy, there's a chance that you still might need a backup. Dousing yourself is a dead giveaway that you're trying to hide something. Leave that trick to the people who don't want to admit they're smokers to their partners or their parents.
Also, use deodorant. (But always use deodorant. Like, even when you're totally sober.)
4. Find your favorite hangover food combo, and eat it immediately
I once read an article about creative food remedies for a hangover, and found that different combos worked for different people. Some swore by pickle juice, while others sent their friends out for cheeseburgers to cure their ailments. Hopefully you're old enough to find out what works for you, but if not? Think about what doesn't work. Sugar products and milk? Avoid it.
It is important to eat something before you leave the house. Eggs are a good bet, because they benefit your liver (which will hopefully forgive you at some point). If you have some spinach in the house, try scrambling it in there for added benefits. Chase it with a couple of aspirin.
5. Reuse that can of soda as a stealth water bottle
OK, so there's nothing wrong with people seeing you drink a ton of water at work. Water is healthy, and water will make you feel eons better today. However, if you're the type of person who gravitates towards coffee and soda all day, it might be a good idea to use a decoy soda can as a makeshift water bottle. Especially if it's a Sprite, or another drink that lacks color.
Opt for a chilled water fountain or a water cooler for refills over bathroom sink water, because it'll make you feel less terrible.
6. Play the role
Imagine you're an actress, and the role you've been given is... "office you." That'll make painful activities like smiling and small talk seem a little bit easier. It's tough to make jokes while your head is pounding, but the perkier you seem, the less your coworkers will suspect that you nearly threw up on a stranger's shoes last night.
7. Work on that menial task you've been hoping to conquer
Hopefully it's a task that can be done solo, like organizing paperwork, or throwing out all of those staff memos from three years ago. Not only will you look busy and productive, but you'll be busy and productive, without using too much of your throbbing brain.
8. Take selfies when you're feeling your worst
Not in public, but in the bathroom. This is a great way to get a good idea of how everyone else is viewing you right now. Use this as an opportunity to redo your makeup, and make sure that the bags under your eyes haven't multiplied.
Feel free to keep a few, to remind yourself about what happened last year on the day after St. Patrick's Day. I mean, if we don't learn from history, we're bound to repeat it.
9. If you have to vomit? Blame food poisoning
That shrimp you ate last night looked questionable, but... come on! Shrimp! You can't pass up shrimp, right? If only you read those Yelp reviews before you went out last night. At least, that's the story you're explaining to people with the unfortunate desk placement right across from the ladies room. Food poisoning happens, and the effects aren't pleasant. Even though you might feel outed by puking the day after such a big drinking holiday, food poisoning and upset stomachs don't take a vacation.
If you're throwing up a lot? Go home. I mean, you're not getting any work done anyway, and I'm sure a few people are fearful that they might catch your mystery bug.
10. Stop focusing on it
If all you can think about is your pain and agony, that'll show all over your face. Think of good stuff, like the fun you had last night before you felt like a dumpster. It's also good to not focus on work stress, since that'll morph into "how can I write a report when my head feels like it's going to explode?" Just take a deep breath, and remind yourself that this is only temporary. It's one bad day, and it might disappear before noon if you stop worrying so much.
Of course, you can also be honest, especially if your office environment is a little laid back. Everyone forgets their limits on occasion. Or, there's a chance that perhaps you tried to drink moderately, but chose something new that didn't agree with you last night. Shooting a tequila shot for the first time might not have been the best idea on a Tuesday as it might have been on a Saturday, but what's done is done. Chances are, your office will understand.