What Guys Think Happens When Girls Go To The Bathroom Vs. What Really Happens

Try as we might, none of us ladies are so dainty or precious or important or whatever to relinquish us from the basic human need to visit the restroom. Sometimes we are in public when nature calls, which means public restrooms are a necessary evil. I say "evil" because, well, often they are fairly vile, but deal we must. It's rad that we're collectively taking some progressive strides in destroying the conventional gender binary-based boundaries that unfairly hinder, marginalize, and punish so many people based on their gender expression and identity. Gender neutral public restrooms are becoming more of a thing and that's super rad. Regardless of exactly what the door says, hoards of women continue to visit these public toilets together, a trend that also continues to confound the men who are left shrugging at the table or bar alone.

While left to their own devices and curious brains, men tend to develop theories on what exactly happens in that place to which they are never invited (OK, not usually—and if they are, it's safe to assume business does not operate as usual). I suppose I can put myself in dude shoes to understand how such a place may spark such intrigue—there is an extra chair in single toilet stalls. That leaves me, an actual conspirator in the phenom, still confused. Let's investigate because, well, sometimes they're right.

What guys think:

We're explicitly recounting our sexual interludes with them, doused in sincere enthusiasm.

What's actually happening:

"Yeah, we banged once. It was OK, I guess." This may come up as a random share, a humblebrag, or a cautionary tale, if it comes up at all. It's not that we don't talk about our sexual escapades, but it rarely happens in the bathroom. If we HAVE to talk about that stuff while we're out with you, we'll seriously just text each other with you sitting right next to us. No chill in Girltown.

What guys think:

We can't be alone for two seconds.

What's actually happening:

The women's restroom line never takes two seconds. We're just planning ahead so we can have a buddy to chat with while waiting our turn. This is especially true in places with bad reception or spotty wifi.

What guys think:

We have to pee.

What's actually happening:

Well, sure, but also it's possible that the conversation back at the table had started to run a bit stale so this seemed a logical point to break. If enough of us bolt at once, this should also effectively put any good topics or jokes on hold until we return as a group.

What guys think:

We're fixing our make-up.

What's actually happening:

There may be a little bit of touching up, but more likely we're peeing, returning texts, checking our Tinder message to make sure we aren't missing out on better options for the evening, or tweeting snarky observations about what's happening at the bar.

What guys think:

We're doing cocaine off the toilet seat.

What's actually happening:

Mirror seflies (IF the bathroom is empty. We would never do that shit with any actual humans present).

What guys think:

We're talking trash about them.

What's actually happening:

We're talking trash about them but also everyone else, too.

What guys think:

We're making out with each other.

What's actually happening:

Sometimes, but hey, here's something weird: Regardless of sexual orientation, not many folks actually find public restrooms super potent turn-ons. Strange, right?

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