Good news for anyone who is struggling to find a purpose in life: I just found one for you. The search for your existential path has officially ended, so you're welcome. From now on, if you have been wandering about aimlessly, you are now going to focus all of your time and energy on learning how to professionally compete in the "Hungry, Hungry Humans," the new live action adaptation of beloved classic board game "Hungry, Hungry Hippos". This is officially more badass than any sport that has ever existed. Honestly, I don't know why we got collectively got so excited about angry guys throwing around a boring hunk of leather in the Super Bowl when this game exists. This is the Left Shark of sports and everything else can just go home.
Although, to be honest, I might have jumped the gun a bit on those #lifegoals: Sadly there does not appear to be a professional league of "Hungry, Hungry Human" players—yet. I am hoping it is only a matter of time before this sport gets recognized for the American triumph that it is destined to become. Here's how it works: Instead of the little balls that are snatched up by eager plastic hippos in the original game, this version involves human players gobbling up balloons using laundry baskets, after being propelled onto the center of a gym floor where all the balloons are kept. They're riding on those little butt scooters you probably used in gym class as a kid attached to a bungee cord. UGH, EVERY PART OF THIS IS SO FUN. I did some internet digging and this appears to have been a phenomenon that graced the universe as early as 2009. To think of all the time I have wasted since then when I could have been doing THIS:
OR EVEN THIS:
If someone needs an extra volunteer for their "Hungry, Hungry Hippo" team then please hit me up. I may look fragile but I can swear to you—I swear on the helium of every balloon on that court—that I will roller derby the competing humans to shame. Here's the full video showing how the game works, so we can all be prepared for the showdown: