Oh, Justin Bieber. American's least favorite tween sensation has received an unearthly amount of flack the past several years, some of it unwarranted, some of it justified, and all of it culminating in a very public apology on Ellen . All of this fanfare is probably nothing compared to what's to come with the Comedy Central roast next month, and yes, it does seem excessive. But on the flipside, who wants to make fun of some bad Bieber-tastic lyrics with me, raise of hands!
I write this, mind you, with basic indifference to Bieber as a person. Being a 23-year-old woman I was never really a part of the Belieber demographic, and furthermore generally think he deserves no more attention than a well-timed eye roll. But I DO care about the sanctity of good writing, and figured there must be a veritable treasure trove of terrible lines in his collective.
So I delved into the archives of Bieber's discography and selected some of the most cringeworthy excerpts. Some of them are casually unpleasant, others are outright baffling, and of course, some are abominations of nature. To list all of them would be an exhaustive task, but we just decided to keep it to a concise top 15. You're welcome.
15. “I always knew you were the best/The coolest girl I know/So prettier than all the rest/The star of my show”
Vague and pretty harmless, but reads like a Valentine you'd get from a boy in second grade, the kind that would make you decide he's icky. Or fall in love with him. Basically a great lyric for second graders and not much else.
14. “For you I'd write a symphony/I'd tell the violin/It's time to sink or swim”
Nonsensical. Lame. And whether you can get a girl or not is certainly not the violin's problem.
13. “It's funny how you use that time/To have me replaced/But did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies/What you doin' to me/You're takin' him where we used to go”
Bieber gets custody of the movie theater, guys, it's all in the prenuptial agreement.
12. “My prized possession/One and only/Adore ya girl I want ya/The one I can't live without/That's you that's you/You're my special little lady."
It must be heartwarming being the best thing that Bieber owns. Well, you know, the best thing he owns besides wife beaters, comically oversized pants, and hair gel.
11. “Only if you give, give your first dance to me/Girl, I promise I'll be gentle/I know we gotta do it slowly/If you give (give it), give the first dance to me (give it)/I'm gon' cherish every moment, 'cause it only happens once, once in a lifetime”
...uncomfortably extended virginity metaphor? Uncomfortably extended virginity metaphor.
10. “You're the single item on my list/You're my one and only christmas wish"
Wonderful, a Christmas carol that reminds me I'm Justin Bieber's property.
9. “We gonna party like it's 3012 tonight”
8. “If I could just die in your arms/I wouldn't mind/'Cause every time you touch me/I just die in your arms/Oooh, it feels so right/So baby, baby, please don't stop, girl”
Bieber channels Morrissey, and the result indeed makes me want to kill myself.
7. “As long as you love me/We could be starving, we could be homeless, we could be broke/As long as you love me”
Aw, my sweet little lamb. I'm sure if you were starving, broke and/or homeless your stock would go exponentially down.
6. “I was a player when I was little/But now I'm bigger, I'm bigger/A heart breaker when I was little/But I'm bigger (I'm bigger), I'm bigger/And all the haters, I swear/They look so small from up here/Cause we're bigger, our love's bigger/I'm bigger and you're bigger”
Like none of this, top to bottom, makes any sense.
5. “Momma you were always somewhere/And daddy I live out of town/So tell me how could I ever be normal somehow?/You tell me this is for the best/So tell me why am I in tears?/So far away, and now I just need you here”
So he's either... missing his parents, or he's blaming the disintegration of his relationship on his parents, or he's dating his parents. Any one of those scenarios suggests that this is more of a discussion for him and his therapist.
4. “Put your tooth under your pillowcase/No, I won't, I won't ever, ever let you down/Like a seesaw lets you down you know why/Cause we ain't on the playground no more baby”
You know what's a good marker that a guy is ready for a serious, mature relationships? When he makes references to seesaws and the tooth fairy in his song.
3. “Baby, baby, baby oooh/Like baby, baby, baby nooo/Like baby, baby, baby oooh”
Wasn't this the chorus that made him a star? How did we allow that to happen?
For shame, America.
2. “Hey, what's the situation, whoa?/I'm just tryna make a little conversation/Why the hesitation, whoa?/Tell me what your name is?”
In which Bieber is now the creepy guy with the pencil thin mustache making eyes at you at the stoplight. ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET TO PATHMARK IN PEACE.
1. “Baby, take a chance or you'll never ever know/I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow/Swag, swag, swag, on you/Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue/I don't know about me but I know about you/So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag”
Everything wrong with society.
Images: Giphy (15)