16 Reasons Why Sleep Is BAE, Because Other People Are Great, But Actually No, They're The Worst And I'm Going To Bed
I have good news and bad news, everyone: The good news is that today is World Sleep Day! The bad news is that you're reading this, so obviously you're not celebrating in the manner that World Sleep Day deserves. Still, if this #blessed occasion has to fall on a day where we are all forced into consciousness by our day jobs, I'm glad it's on a Friday. That way you can spend this entire day appreciating sleep for the beautiful magical beast that it is, and then spend the entire weekend soaking it in by basically sleeping straight through it. Who's with me?!
The truth is that we are usually so resentful about being jarred out of sleep that we forget to be grateful for its existence in the first place. That's why I'm writing about sleep right now instead of conking my head on my desk and letting my forehead type out an eloquent "agdfgjahgalfgkhkl"—because I owe it to my best friend sleep to sing its praises before I take advantage of it for the 8669th time in my life. (Yes, I just calculated how many days I've been on this earth, and that's not even counting naps, which I take readily and often.) The next time you're counting sheep, don't forget to figuratively fist bump your brain for turning itself off, because SLEEP IS MY FAVORITE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT:
It gives you tons of interesting brain movies
I have dreamed about meeting Taylor Swift, about captaining my own freaking pirate ship, about flying on a toboggan to rescue someone while an actual fire-breathing dragon chased me. I don't mean to brag or anything, but my unconscious mind is a freaking badass.
...And some interesting brain porn
I'm not going to bore you with the details, but let's just say Ryan Gosling and I have done some stuff.
Pajamas are hands-down the best clothes we own
I just moved to New York City, home of the teeniest closets ever, and despite all my efforts to save space, my pajamas still outnumber my real clothes 2:1. I don't know why real clothes are pretending to be important. It's embarrassing for them.
You spend more time with sleep than literally anyone else in your life
You spend something like 30% of your life sleeping (if you're lucky), which is hands down more time than you spend with stupid, dumb, useless people. Don't argue that you sleep next to a loved one. Once you conk out, they're as gone as Ryan Gosling was when I woke up from our ocean view cabana.
It is the perfect excuse to get out of anything
"I really shouldn't, guys, I have to go home and sleep."
It's perfect because it sounds super responsible (like you're implying that you have really important things to do early the next morning) when really you're just a potato human.
It helps you make decisions
There's a reason people tell you to "sleep on it". Scientists have actually tracked processes in the brain unconsciously processing decisions, particularly complex decisions with multiple things to consider. Sleep is so thoughtful like that.
It legitimately makes you smarter
If you're already done with the studying part of your life, I'm sorry this news is coming at you too late, but science says you should try to study right before bed and turn in immediately afterward. Your brain will start unconsciously cataloguing it into its working memory as soon as your head hits the pillow. SLEEP IS MAGIC, NERDS.
It is the coziest feeling in the whole wide world
Close you eyes and imagine paradise. Wherever you are in this fantasy, you're always lying down, right? Because even in paradise, all we really want is to sleep.
People are freaking adorable when they sleep
Puppies, babies, even full-grown humans. We all get 110% more precious as soon as our eyes flutter closed.
It will basically make you the next Picasso
Getting a good night's sleep can make you more creative. I'm pretty sure I had an EXCELLENT night of sleep the night before I first buttered the leftover crust of a DiGiorno pizza, so I can attest to the artistic genius of sleep's benefits.
It'll also turn you into a superhero
In a study, athletes who got ten hours of sleep a night for eight weeks had better sprint times, reflexes, and stronger endurance. I understand that that wasn't explicit permission to skip the gym and sleep an extra two hours instead, but I'm going to live my life and feel good about it.
It is the reason we can post smug "woke up like this" selfies
What else were we going to hashtag it with? #IveBeenAwakeLikeThisForSeveralHours has so much less pizzazz.
It gives us an excuse to have more ~sexytimes~
Sex before you sleep! Sex when you wake up! Sex in your dreams, if you're lucky (RYAN)! Sleep is basically sex-topia.
It keeps your sweet tooth in check
I am typing this literally as a shove a muffin down my throat, so I'm not sure if this necessarily applies to all humans, but getting a good night's sleep can curb cravings and help you maintain a healthy weight. Plus it's SO much less judgmental than Jenny Craig.
It gives you something to look forward to all day
99% of my workday fantasies involve going back to sleep. If someone was granted the ability to read my mind for a day, they'd probably give up after five minutes of listening to my brain happily sigh the word "sleep" on repeat 7,469,842,065 times.
It pretty much unites all of humanity
Some of my first conversations with the people who ended up being my closest friends were initiated either by complaining that we didn't get enough sleep, fantasizing about sleeping, or me literally nudging one of them in a high school class because he was sleeping and the bell had rung. It is an experience more universal than just about anything—hence, World Sleep Day. Let's all celebrate the only way we know how: canceling all our Friday night plans, unplugging the alarm clock out, and crossing our fingers for another guest appearance from Ryan Gosling himself.