Gather 'round your tablet, smartphone, and/or laptop, kids. Let me tell you a story. From a young, impressionable age, I have been a learned student of Britney Spears choreography. For a 90’s kid, my journey to obtaining this unofficial degree is practically a tale as old as time. My babysitters, who also happened to be my older cousins, spent many a weekend night teaching me the moves Abby Lee-style until I got them down pat and sufficiently hated the art of dance altogether. Just kidding, sorta. But, I'm sure most now 20-something millennial gals and guys can relate. And thus, the lasting lessons of the choreography of Brit Brit has stayed with us '90s kids well into adolescence and adulthood, infiltrating dance floors around the world to this very day. So much so, that along the way we may have adopted B. Spears’s moves as our very own and nurtured them accordingly, like we would beloved children.
Listen, I know she didn’t invent dance but re-invention certainly counts for something, doesn’t it? Besides, it’s her music videos and concerts that gave these moves the proper recognition they have always deserved. So, for all intents and purposes, Spears’s moves are innately her own if nothing else but for the way she dished them out. In honor of her rhythmic prowess, let us recant all of the classic Britney dance moves we’ve adopted as our own, though we definitely can't exact them like she can:
The Swag Face/Hair Flip
For all those whose dancing consists of puckered lips and flicked necks, which makes it look like they're about to get into a heated argument with the DJ.
The best thing about the shimmy is that there is never a wrong time to shimmy. Dancing with your significant other? Shimmy. Dancing with your gal pals? Shimmy. Going to tip the bartender? Shimmy. In line for the bathroom? Shimmy.
The Beating Heart
Usually reserved for high intensity romantic or heartrending lyrics. Not to be taken lightly.
The Boob Circumference
Come on, you know you've pulled this one out when you were a few vodka clubs deep and feelin' hella sensual.
The "Come here... No, don't"
The best dance move when you're trying to decide whether you want the person you're dancing with to do this with you (or not)...
The Airplane Grind
OK, so maybe you didn't adopt this one...
The Dramatic Arm Raise
Did the beat hit a particularly hard? Well then, you're clearly going to have to punctuate it with this move.
The West Side Story
We've all rolled up to the club with our crew, one time or another, snapping fingers blazing.
The "Why aren't there any hand towels in this powder room?"
For when you're shaking off all those h8rs.
The Freed Genie
An endearing move to anyone who has ever loved Aladdin, but also a fantastic way to look fly as hell and get all eyes on you.
Works every time.
The "My legs are jello and my body is made of lead, but I'm gunna make this work for me"
Typically done in the wee hours of the morning when most of the party has tapered off along with your sobriety and any sense of balance. Or, when you have the stomach flu and you're trying to get someone to feel sorry enough for you that they'll carry you to bed and feed you Gatorade through a swirly straw.
Now, for your viewing pleasure, here's an ancient Britney Spears and Nick Cannon dance tutorial in case your moves have gotten rusty:
Command that dance floor, people. Brit Brit would want you to.