This Year's 13 Hottest Wedding Trends

The temps are rising, the peonies are blooming, the brides-to-be are religiously going to Soul Cycle... and all of that can mean only one thing: wedding season is here, and the hottest wedding trends of 2015 are right on the horizon! Today's smart, savvy bride knows that classic wedding traditions are hers to pick and choose from, and that mixing them up with some of the year's hottest wedding trends is the key to keeping her special day both classy and relevant. But with all the different options available for weddings these days, sometimes even trying to choose a color scheme — let alone a quirky reception theme — can seem overwhelming. What's a busy bride to do?

That's where I come in! My trend-spotters are more than just experienced wedding planners with over a decade of experience each; they are also witches whose eerie, dark powers have given them the gift of prognostication (among other things, ha ha!) (don't ask, ha ha) (OK, fine, ask: they turned Claire, one of our editorial assistants, into a bat). And with their unholy powers, they have identified the top 13 trends that you need to know if you're planning on walking down the aisle this year. So read on, and get a head start on planning your dream day in style.

And Claire, if you're reading this: we miss you, and we're sorry we made so much fun of you for being into Pitbull. We hope that there are lots of delicious mosquitoes wherever you are.

13. Try An Unconventional Fabric For Your Wedding Dress

Insane, right? But thinking outside the silk-tulle-and-taffeta box is what wedding dresses are all about this year. Having a summer wedding? Why not consider a linen sheath? Planning some Christmastime nuptials? Have you thought about — gasp! — velvet? We know, we know, it's crazy. But it might be just crazy enough to work!

12. Plan Your First Dance To "In A Gadda Da Vida" By Iron Butterfly

First dances aren't supposed to be generic and cookie-cutter — they're meant to say something about your story as couple, and reflect your unique relationship. But so many couples just default to whatever romantic song is popular the year they wed — a song they come to be embarrassed by years later (just ask any of your parents' friends who did their first dance to Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" in the '80s).

You want to pick a first dance song that's already stood the test of time, that really says something about the two of you — so why not pick Iron Butterfly's "In A Gadda Da Vida," a brain-twisting psychedelic musical odyssey that your mom's brother Keith called "the third-best song of the '60s"? The song is already timeless — just like your relationship! And it kind of stresses everyone else out — just like your relationship! Just make sure to get the full 17-minute album length version, though, not the totally weak radio edit. Your wedding day is no time to be afraid of a guitar solo or nine!

11. Throw Your Bachelorette Party In A Cave

With each successive wedding season, the stakes for throwing an unforgettable bachelorette weekend get higher and higher. How can you top your college roommate's wild outing to Vegas, or your sister's soothing spa getaway in Taos, New Mexico? One word: cave. Cave parties (as seen in last month's Goop newsletter) are the final word in all-natural, ethical, paleo-friendly bachelorette living. Most caves are locally sourced, affordably priced, and contain very few potentially toxic preservatives. Plus, experts estimate that only around 10 percent of them contain goblins. We like the sound of those odds!

10. Get Married At Coachella

Think your guests have been to every kind of destination wedding on earth? Think again! Your marital love will only seem more beautiful when it is contrasted against the bone-crunching bass drops of Skrillex and some guy in neon bike shorts puking into a Gatorade bottle. And who knows? Maybe seeing the thoughtful post-rock of Radiohead live will be just the shot in the arm that your zayde finally needs to get over the death of Bubbe Louise.

9. Make Your Wedding Party Spend The Week Beforehand Digging Holes

This old-fashioned pre-wedding ritual is coming back in a big way this year! In ancient times, instead of walking the bride down the aisle, the wedding party's purpose was to spend the week before the big day digging as many large holes as they could. In the past, these holes served a functional purpose — the party used them to hide inside when members of a neighboring village came to raid the wedding to steal mead, nourishing venison, and valuable fur cloaks (jk, I made that all up!) — but today, it can serve as a way to put the bride's mind at ease that she's chosen the right team. After all, if someone doesn't want to spend the week before the happiest day of your life pick-axing 7' x 7' x7' pits in the ground, can you really trust them to keep it together during the main event?

Plus, it's a nice bonding activity, and a good way to introduce the bridesmaids and the groomsmen!

8. Use Your Vows To Spark Some Healthy Debate

On your wedding day, all eyes are on you — so why not put that attention to good use, and expand your guests' minds a little bit while you're at it? Instead of going with something played out, like a reading from 1 Corinthians 13:4 (more like 1 Corinthians 13: Snore, right, guys?), use your time in front of the mic to air some of your most deeply-held views and values.

Do you think that the moon might not exist? Hey, it's your day — show us your PowerPoint presentation about it! Have some compelling proof that all of your local elected government officials are actually lizard people? Show us a YouTube video or 20 on the subject! Remember, weddings aren't just about celebrating the lifelong commitment of two individuals — they're also an opportunity to WAKE UP THE SHEEPLE!

7. Serve Cupcakes Instead Of A Cake As Dessert

The variety of flavor and frosting combos will ensure that all your guests leave the reception happy...and full!

6. Bees

Bees? BEES!!!!!!!

5. Marry Vin Diesel

You've pulled out all the stops in planning the perfect wedding so far — so why stop now? Trade in your inferior spouse, who has almost definitely not starred in The Chronicles of Riddick, for this hot new model — who not only starred in the original The Chronicles of Riddick, but also 19 Fast and Furious movies and about 15 minutes of Boiler Room. Mr. Diesel is currently in a relationship and the father of a very young child, but the legal gray area that his partnership falls into can only benefit you! Mazel tov to you, Mrs. Diesel!

4. Let A Pair Of Unlikely Animal Friends Perform Your Ceremony

There's nothing the Internet loves more than when, say, a deer and a baboon become friends. Their triumph of camaraderie over logistics is a metaphor for love itself, when you think about it — so why not harness that power to make your wedding go viral? While moose, dogs, bears, and sundry waterfowl are currently only permitted to be ordained as ministers in Nevada, they can perform the majority of the ceremony in any state as long as they are accompanied by a notary. But you might want to fact check me on that.

3. Have A Murder Mystery Reception

Your guests have been to hundreds of receptions where they're simply expected to get blackout drunk and do "The Macarena" at this point — so why not shake things up with this fresh spin on the classic murder-mystery dinner theater?

At the reception, as the bride and groom make their big entrance, the lights suddenly go out — and when they come back on, the groom is "dead." But who killed him? The minister? His ex-girlfriend, Trish? Professor Lucius J. Forthweather-Bottomly, an elderly British sociologist, adventurer, and convict who just happened to be in the reception hall today? Let your guests enjoy the fun of trying to suss out the "truth"! In lieu of tossing the bouquet, inform your guests that anyone who finds an airtight way to pin the "murder" on Trish will be the next to get married.

2. Invite Fred Durst

He seems like his calendar is probably pretty open these days, right? He also seems like he'd probably be happy to film things on his GoPro, deliver a toast, or simply lend a hand with the passed hors d'eouvres. Gotta stay busy!

1. Turn Into A Puff Of Smoke

When you and your beloved take those vows on that stage, you change. You become a wholly different person the moment you make those eternal promises in front of all your nearest and dearest — and what better way is there to convey your newly changed status to all your guests than to transmute your solid body into a cloud of vapor?

Name changes and cutesy matching tattoos are all well and good, but if you really want your friends and family to understand how life-changingly important your wedding is, this is the only way to make sure that your message is received, loud and clear. Lots of independent vendors are offering on-site transformations at the wedding ceremony these days; those on a budget can also rent a do-it-yourself kit from David's Bridal (make sure to designate a specific family member to return it for you later, or you won't get your deposit back).

Disclaimer: This piece is satire, people!

Images: messycupcakes/Flickr, Giphy (14)